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Debunking the Excuse Rail – Part 1

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Photo via microsoft.com

Has this ever happened to you?

It’s the last expat women’s gathering before you move to the next destination. You are physically tired and weary of saying good-bye. You know that in reality, you won’t see most of the ladies again and that in probably a couple of years you won’t remember their names. Saying good-bye stinks, so you decide to skip it and not attend. You can text that you have some last minute things that need to be done before you leave, which is the truth.

Or maybe this?

“I know that we just moved here and I should learn the language, but I don’t think it is possible. I’m too old to learn a new language. My brain just can’t handle all the vocabulary words and grammar. I can just use my phone app for translation.”

Excuses. We all have them. Sometimes they are legit reasons, and sometimes they just make us feel better. I’d have to say though that most of us live with the latter. We don’t want to feel like we’ve done something wrong/bad. I know I don’t like this feeling, but does having an excuse make it any better? Or is the excuse more like applying concealer in hopes that people will not see those blemishes in my life?

I’ve been challenged with these thoughts after reading the book Lies that Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. The book is not about expat living, but I applied some of the “challenges” to areas in my life that deal with living overseas and raising TCKs. The one chapter that spoke the greatest to me was chapter eight on emotions. To summarize, Mrs. DeMoss writes that much research and discovery has been made regarding women during their times of physical changes. She challenges women that though our hormones are the reason for feeling out of control, quick tempered, etc that we shouldn’t let them be the excuse for being mean and nasty to the people around us.

This got me to thinking about expat living and raising TCKs. Research has been done on TCKs, on the stress of moving, and honestly on all areas in life. How many times have I let the reason of research become my excuse for my behavior?

I’m breaking this post down into three parts to make it shorter and digestible, meaning hopefully you’ll be able to read it in one sitting and be able to ponder about it yourself. So, look for Part 1 and 2 next week. They are just a couple of things I’ve thought of. Be ready to share because I really do like hearing your thoughts.

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Nontraditional Holiday? Why not?

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For the ‘American’ part of our family, the big holiday is coming up quickly. You know, Thanksgiving. Turkey, stuffing, sweet potato souffle, pumpkin pie, and all the rest of the good stuff. In the past we’ve celebrated with fellow expats (aka adopted family) gathered around our own table or their table – or even larger gatherings where we rented space at the international school to feast.

This year is different.

This year we did not buy a turkey. I did not make stuffing. I didn’t even make a pumpkin pie. In fact, we are not even going to be home for Thanksgiving. We are leaving and taking a much needed mini vacation.

How do I feel about this? Actually, relieved. I’m not stressed about putting food together . I’m not worried about how Jie Jie is going to act/react at the gathering. I’m excited. We haven’t vacationed as a family in quite a while – like two years. We’ve gone to the US and visited family, but we didn’t go anywhere to shut off completely as a family. We’ve had stay-cations  but we tend to work anyway. We need to go away with books and games. I can’t wait -(actually, by the time you read this we will already be gone).

Why be nontraditional when this is the time I should be teaching my children about “their home” culture?

1. The thought of being away from family is too much this year. This is what one of my friends told me as she related their plans for the Thanksgiving break. They were planning to not have a huge feast at their home as they have in years past, but instead go to a different city and help at an orphanage with a group of other expats. I thought this was a brilliant way to fight the holiday blues. Go and serve others. And with that they are teaching their kids empathy for others.

2. The thought of doing anymore work is going to kill me. This is me, I raise my hand waving my white flag. I’m tired and the thought of cooking and prepping makes me swoon. And we have an “I Am a Hero Game” that we will travel six hours for the day before, so we decided to add time away and explore a small island off the main island.

I totally agree that holidays are a great way to teach kids about your own home culture. It helps them relate and understand where they came from. I understand that and agree. I get the full blown celebrations with all the fun crafts, food, and pre-recorded football games. I have done this – except the football game. We are European football fans, not so much the American football. So, my kids are not going to get a turkey this year. Will they survive? YES.

We really went wild this year – we put up our tree before Thanksgiving! We usually do this the weekend following Thanksgiving, but I wanted to come back to a decorated apartment. 

So, Happy Thanksgiving to you all! If you are eating turkey and pumpkin pie I wish you well as I sit at the beach reading a book and watching the kids play in the ocean. I’m thankful for time with my family.

Your Turn: How do you celebrate holidays? Do you go all out with every tradition? Do you ever do a nontraditional type of holiday? Please share in the comments below.

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Adoption Awareness Month: Our story

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Why did you adopt? asked an elderly Chinese lady at the playground.

Why not? I asked her back.

She shrugged and said it was not Chinese culture to do such things. I nodded in understanding, but saddened that it wasn’t. This mini-conversation took place a little over five years ago in mainland China. The lady wasn’t mean or snide. She truly wanted to know why I would choose to adopt a child whose ancestors we know nothing about.

Why did you adopt? asked a young mother holding her crippled boy.

You know that I’m a Christian, and well it was God. I really honestly can’t explain it any other way. I answered back not sure how she would react to my response. We had just discussed therapy exercises that Jie Jie was doing. (In case you are new, Jie Jie is my daughter with Cri-du-Chat; Mei Mei is my adopted Chinese daughter). I knew that she was thinking we were crazy for adopting after knowing we had a special needs daughter.

The above, I’m sure, is what most people think when they first meet our family. It may even have been your thought when you read our “About Me” page. I know that would be my first thought reading such a thing about another family. Are they crazy?

Honestly, I can only say it was a God-thing. Before Jie Jie was born, we fostered a newborn orphan for ten months. I was not able to adopt at that time due to my age, and we moved to a new city and couldn’t take her with us. She was almost a year old when we left her with a kind Chinese lady who we trusted. It was so difficult, but peaceful.

It was God’s plan.

After Jie Jie was born, we looked into the adoption process, but a few weeks later Jie Jie was very ill, which led to the mountain of tests and onto the summit of the result: Cri-du-Chat with silent aspiration. Our dreams of adopting were zapped. We really believed that  with her physical needs – and not to leave out the medical bills – there would be no way that we could even think about adopting at that point.

Two months later, back in our city in mainland China, we received the news that the little Chinese girl that we had fostered was taken back to the orphanage. We were mortified and sick. We prayed about it. Uwe asked me what was holding me back with adopting – was it Jie Jie’s needs or money. Jie Jie’s needs were not that “difficult”, we were able to feed her very easily and I was doing therapy with her at home. It was money. He felt the same. We decided right there that IF God was wanting us to adopt, then He’d provide the finances to pay off the medical bills and for the adoptions.

Long story short, God provided for all of those things to happen within two months. The surprise was that this little girl that we had fostered was not the girl God had in mind for us to adopt. In a matter of a few weeks, after we had our home study completed (which was a miracle to get an appointment so quickly), we found out that the fostered girl had been adopted.

Grief, sadness, mixed with anger swept my husband and I. Though, as we searched our hearts and God, we realized that His plan was this: To just use this foster girl as a catalyst to get Mei Mei into our family. (I believe He used it to cause the family who was fostering her to adopt her as well. She was back in their home in about two months time.) **By the way,we had asked this family if they were adopting or not and they had told us “No” in words, but in Chinese culture were telling us “Yes”. A lesson learned in culture clashing – in a later post, maybe.

We never would have seriously considered adopting had the foster child not been taken back. God used that tough situation to move us forward.

So see, I really can’t answer that question any other way. It really was God who brought Mei Mei into our family and I will be forever grateful that He did. I love that bundle of energy and passionate little girl.

The month of November is apparently Adoption Awareness Month. I really hadn’t heard of it until just last week, but what a great idea. There are so many children around the world in need of a home. Don’t worry, I’m not going to pressure you to make a commitment to adopt, but I would like you to at least give it a thought.

If you know you can’t adopt or even foster, what can you do to help these kids out? Ask the local social worker, schools, or orphanages how you can help them. At the very least, you could pray for these children to find forever families of their own.

Your Turn: If you have adopted share your story. It doesn’t have to be an overseas adoption. If you are thinking about it and have any questions, please ask. I will try to answer if I can. Please comment below.

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Happy Mid-Autumn Festival

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Tonight is probably my favorite Chinese holiday of the year. It isn’t Chinese New Year – which I think if I had been a TCK in Asia and got red envelopes with money inside every year, I’d probably move CNY to the number one spot.

It isn’t Lantern Festival, which is pretty cool with all the very ornate lanterns lit up.

It’s Mid-Autumn Festival –

I like it for several reasons.

1. It’s outside – I like watching the families gather outside to bbq on small hibachis. They have short tables and stools that they squat around with the hibachi in the middle. Everyone is cooking and chatting.

2. Aroma – I like the smell of the charcoal burning and the meat cooking.

3. Food – I really like mooncakes. I like the red-bean paste ones the best, but the rest of the family prefer the pineapple ones. Some of you may think, “Red-bean? What?” Just trust me, it is sweet and yummy.

This past week, I had the opportunity at school to make mooncakes. Homemade mooncakes. One of the moms came and taught all the kids how to make the dough and wrap it all us. It was so much fun. My son informed us that it was the best he has ever had.

This is our view tonight as Mid-Autumn Festival is being celebrated all around us. My little TCKs are in bed now and I’m enjoying the quiet, but I wanted to wish you all a Happy Mid-Autumn Festival this year!

 

 

When our TCKs Hurt – a plea for prayer

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Parenting has its up and downs. We want to pull out our hair one minute and wrap our arms around the little tornado.

They come into our lives as a precious bundle of drool, that we just Ooh and Aah about to anyone that is willing to listen. They grow and we are amazed at their first giggle, their first roll over, their first…you get the picture.

Then only a few years later, we stand with tissue in hand as they enter their classroom for the first time, wondering where did time go, wishing we could rewind just a few years as each passing day seems to speed up.

We get caught up in the mundane of the schedule – our life. When BAM! Life does a flip-flop-double somersault in the pit of our stomach. Our precious bundle is admitted into the hospital.

My stomach has been in knots this week. It’s not my own child, but my friend’s son.

Benjy was admitted just over a week ago and has spent the last four days in ICU. After several rounds of testing they have a diagnosis: Wilson’s Disease. But, right now his liver is not functioning. They have cleaned out his plasma three times now. The next few days are critical – his liver must start working on its own or a transplant is needed.

His mother is the only suitable donor.

My heart has really ached for this family. So, that is why I am asking – no pleading – that you take one minute out of your day to pray for Benjy.

Will you? 

I did an interview with his parents last spring. If you would like to get to know the family better, you can click here.

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5 Tips for International Traveling with Special Needs Children

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Wheelchair

photo by Tom Magliery

Earlier this week I posted about traveling with kids alone. I had just traveled with my two girls alone from Asia to the US. My oldest daughter has special needs, so I wanted to add a few other tips regarding travel with special needs children.

1. Ask for help. This may sound obvious, but sometimes I get into an independent mode and forget to ask for help. I have found that most people are willing to help when asked. During this last trip I asked for help with getting my carry-on down from the overhead compartment. I also asked the flight attendants for extra water. I have to mention that the flight attendants on my flights were extremely helpful and nice. Anyone that travels often will know how oddly pleasant this was.

2. Accept help. Another obvious, but for the flaw I have about independence, I have to remind myself to accept the help that is offered. I know I’m pathetic at times. This trip a man helped me get my luggage from the hotel van into the airport. Although, one needs to be careful and watchful about strangers when traveling alone, I have found that most people just want to be helpful.

3. Wheelchair/stroller use. If you don’t have a wheelchair to bring or you don’t want to deal with yours after you arrive at your destination, then use the airline’s wheelchairs. In the past, we have let the airlines know that we needed it and they have had them ready with someone to push them for us. One instance, we even got to ride in the golf cart from one gate to the next. For this trip, I chose to bring our own wheelchair. Jie Jie is walking okay, but she tires easily and with jet-lag and such I was afraid of meltdowns. I checked her wheelchair in at the gate and she walked onto the plane on her own. When we arrived we had to wait a bit, but they brought her wheelchair to us. Although, I do remember a few years ago they forgot to load the stroller, but the airline was great about providing a wheelchair at each layover. A few days later our stroller arrived at our door from the airline. So, if you do take your stroller/wheelchair make sure you have the correct address on the check-in tag.

4. Make it known. Let the people at check-in, security, and at the gate know that you have a child with special needs. This may sound so ridiculous, but I found that not everyone “saw” Jie Jie’s situation. I guess they thought she was just a child in a stroller? Anyway, letting the people know made all the difference. We were able to board earlier, and the security went really smooth. They were understood that we were going to be slower. Some officers helped me put my carry-ons on the x-ray belt. Most of them smiled and were friendly with the kids. I know this ALL depends on the individual, but I really had a good experience with security checks. 

5. Be grateful. I think as a parent of special needs children we sometimes have the expectation that we should get special treatment. Don’t get me wrong here, I agree that the disabled have rights and we need to stand in and fight for those rights. That is not what I’m getting at here. What I’m saying is, we shouldn’t forget to say “Thank you” to those who help, even if it is part of their job. Smiling at the people who are helping and being pleasant is another way of showing gratitude and it brightens their day, too. Demonstrating gratitude for our children, whether they are disabled or not, is a great way to begin teaching them to be grateful and polite to others early on. *Note that with international traveling, other cultures may not treat children with special needs with the same “rights” as the country you come from.

Your Turn: Have you traveled  with your special needs child? What are some tips that you have? Please share in the comments below.

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5 Packing Tips for Visiting “Home”

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You know every few years (or maybe every year) expats travel back to their home country for a few months to a whole year. This is our year to go to the US to visit my family. We’ll just be there for a few months, but we leave in less than a week and I’m just starting to think about packing. Yep, I know I’m a bit behind to be just starting (at least some of you are saying that…)
One thing that I’ve noticed since having kids is that packing a suitcase has become more of an art. Packing clothes for the five of us, making sure the “I can’t live without it” stuffed animal gets in the carry on, shoes for all occasions, toiletries, etc.
Maybe you are in the same dilemma and are wondering what to pack, how to pack, etc.  Here are my top 5 tips.

1. List it.  This sounds crazy organized, and it probably is, but I list out what each person needs to take. (Note: I don’t pack for my husband, we have different tastes.) Do note that I’m packing for 4 people. I don’t make it specific, just general. Then when it goes into the bag I cross it off. That way I know what I’ve packed and what I haven’t (unless little hands help out and unpack it all for me). Because I’m a list freak, I also list out what is going in the carry-on.

2. Stack it. After I make a list I usually usually stack the clothes on my bed. I do this for two reasons. One it gives me an idea if I’ve over packed or not. Two, I can estimate how many suitcases I’m going to need.

3. Half it. I look at the clothes on my bed and I do just that. I take out about half from everyone’s pile and put it back in the dresser. I have found that we rarely wear all of the clothes that I’ve packed, so do the math. Half the clothes = more space on the return trip. Besides, the extra space is usually filled with clothes from the extended family or from the stores that we just can’t resist. You know what I mean, don’t you?

4. Stash it. I’m talking about putting a suitcase inside another one. I always do this because we tend to bring more back on the return trip than we do going there. This way, we have the empty suitcase already and we don’t have to buy another one once we are there.

5. Roll it. This is an old trick, but one that should not be forgotten. Roll everything you can. It just saves space. And don’t forget to roll the socks and stuff them in shoes.

As for gifts for the family…I stopped doing that awhile back when I realized that they pretty much had everything I could think to bring. Well, I might stuff in some Asian candy just for the fun of it….that always brings a good laugh with my mid-west family. Besides, it is a taste of “home” for my TCKs, which is always nice for them on these longer stays.

Your Turn: What is your top tip for packing? Please share in the comments below.

*photo credit: microsoft.com

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Mother’s Day

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Happy Mother’s Day!

A simple pink carnation…

Green plants with pink flowers dotting the arrangement….

Pink construction paper folded with a note scribbled by a child…

These thoughts fill my head when I think of Mother’s Day.

Having lived in Taiwan for a few years another thought has come to mind…Mother’s Day Ads.

Yes, ads selling cakes and cookies at the convenience stores, restaurants having special Mother’s Day meals, and other places offering whatever for a good price for your mother. It’s like Christmas for the Mom’s only club, which is great if you are a mom and if your family goes for that type of thing. 

I’m a mom, but my kids don’t get into the “buy mom all the great deals”. Do they love me? Yes. Do they appreciate me? I’m pretty sure most of the time. Does my husband not care and love me? He cares greatly and loves me way too much.

Why not go all out and get me the works? Because I don’t want all of that. I’d much rather spend time with them. In fact my favorite Mother’s Day was just a few years ago when they didn’t buy me a thing. Instead, my husband planned a day at the beach. He had a picnic packed and we left early before traffic. We were the only ones on the beach and it was perfect.

Waves splashing….

Sand in my toes…

Those are now my newest thoughts when someone mentions Mother’s Day to me now.

Your Turn: How do you celebrate Mother’s Day? Any special one that you remember the most? Please share in the comments below.

Happy Mother’s Day to you all!

I Am a Hero Games

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Today my daughter is participating with all the local special needs kids…and the sun is shining after two days of straight rain. I’ll post pics and thoughts next week.
The above video is from the same event that she participated in a few years ago. My husband is the “foreigner” being interviewed.

Have a great weekend!

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“I Am Special” Book Review

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“I Am Special” by Lai Yit Loong and Catherine Lai is a picture book about their son, Benjy. Benjy is special because he is the youngest of four TCKs and the only son, but more so because he has autism. Written in first person, the reader gets a glimpse into Benjy’s life and the journey he is on. His parents write that, “through this sharing, [they] also hope to reach out and encourage many children out there who are on the same journey as Benjy.”

I believe this book does encourage other children. My daughter who has special needs likes to look at the pictures. I believe that she understands the message of the book, that she is special, too.

If  you are interested in getting a copy for yourself please know that all proceeds go to the organization Taiwan Sunshine. You can buy a copy of the book here.

*Next week, watch for an interview with Yit Loong and Catherine. It will be encouraging and inspiring as they share about raising their TCKs!