Combating Loneliness in “Expat-land”

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Loneliness in expat-land is a feeling that can unfortunately be constant – what I mean is that it will can come and go with every transition. Sometimes it creeps in during the holidays or when visiting friends and family. Other times it pounces on you after the big move and the husband is off to work and the kids are off to school – your alone and would love to get a coffee with a friend, a friend that you don’t have in the new place ~yet.

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One of my dear friends just wrote me this week. She’s been in her new country for almost six months. She has two very active toddlers with her, and she left two step children back “home” for college. Her husband is gone this week and she is feeling very lonely and homesick. Can you relate? I know I can.

Or how about the parent of a child with special needs? What I’m about to share is not meant to point fingers or start a pity party club for me. It is just a fact of life, and I’m sure I’m not the only one that has felt this way. So here it goes *deep breath* ~ I have felt at times lonely in the middle of a party. All the adults are gathered in the living room or around the snack table chatting, laughing, and relaxing. The children are outside playing basketball, riding bikes, or in one of the rooms playing legos or dolls. I’m wherever Jie Jie is ~ I’m sitting at a table feeding her a snack or outside helping her “ride” a bike. I’m usually by myself feeling uncomfortable and fighting the big bad bully: Loneliness. Please note that this is only at times, not every time and it is just a fact of my life. 

What did I tell my friend? What do I do in those times when I want to run to my room and cry like a teenager?

I run to my room and cry on my bed like a teenager. Yes, I do. I’ve learned that it’s okay to cry, to be sad. Crying is healthy to do in doses. The key to not letting my tears turn into something worse like depression is that once the tears stop, I immediately begin praising God for who He is and what He has done in my life. I turn on some praise music and sing really loud. I begin a list or look at a list that I’ve made of all the things I have to be thankful for: a home, food, therapy for Jie Jie, school for all my kids, a great husband, sunshine, chocolate, etc.

Then when my mind is starting to lighten up a bit, I call a friend and make a “date” for coffee.

Your Turn: What do you do to fight the battle of loneliness? Please share in the comments below.

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An Expat Special Needs TCK Parent

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I recently re-read “6 Secrets Special Needs Moms Know But WON’T Tell You.” If you IMG_3649haven’t read it, go over and at least scan the list. It’s good and fairly accurate. I say that because I feel the same and I’ve heard the cheers from other moms out there. Like this mom, who was also inspired from this same article to write “Special Needs Parents“.

As an expat though, I think at times some of these truths could ring louder…and here is why.

1. Expats are mobile. We move, or our friends move. Like it or not, it is the nature of “expatland.” If we are the one moving, then it is finding new doctors, therapists, schools that have special education, housing that is safe for the child with special needs, and making new friends ~ and I’m not even getting into the emotional side of transition. If it is our friends that move, then new friends join the circle. Always changing…

2. Loneliness: Mobility can add to loneliness. The friend who understands your child, who forgives you for having to cancel the fifth coffee date that month because of something related to your child, the friend who always makes you laugh is no longer there. The time and energy it takes to invest in making new friends is exhausting ~ making one feel like it isn’t worth it at all. To add to this lonely feeling, going out in public and feeling the stares, the odd looks, or hearing the whispers is tough. This is normal in any country, but if you live in a country where the parents of children with special needs are believed to have “bad blood”, then one may not even want to go out.

2. Alone-ness. Not too many parents of children with special needs live overseas, so feeling “I’m all alone” haunts the mind of the parent. The internet forums for specific needs are a great resource for parents, but having someone in person who can relate to those struggles of living overseas is better.

3. Marriage. YES, this is so important and sometimes seems difficult. The divorce rate is very high for families of children with special needs. Couples have to work at their marriage to make it last. Most go on date nights every week, take weekends away without the kids, or even let the kids stay with grandparents for the week to have a second, third, or fourth honeymoon. As an expat, it can be difficult to find people to watch your children, especially if your child has special needs. People are not always comfortable and parents may have issues with finding people they fully trust – see #1 & 2 above.

So, why do we do it – live in “expatland?”

I can’t say for the other parents of children with special needs, but for our family I can say that we live here because it makes the most sense. It is not because we are against living in the US or in Germany or because we are hard-set on being expats. Nine years ago when Jie Jie was diagnosed, we were ready to figure out how to live in the US if we needed to. With no hesitation every doctor and therapists told us to return. So, we’ve taken it one year at a time.

We look at our whole family, not just Jie Jie’s needs. We look at our other children and their needs. We also look at what God is wanting us to do. Two years ago my husband quit his job as principal at the “American Christian” school to focus more on the nonprofit organization that he helped start called Taiwan Sunshine, which supports families of children with special needs. So, for now, this “crazy” expat life makes sense.

Next week I’ll share a few ideas to help fight those expat “heartaches” of being a mom to a child with special needs child.

Your Turn: What do you find difficult as a mom/dad to a child with special needs while living overseas? Even if you don’t have a child with special needs, what do you find difficult? Really I do want to “hear” what you say. Go ahead and comment below.

Also, remember that if you want to get the latest post, subscribe and you they will be automatically emailed to you. Thanks to all who have subscribed and shared my posts.

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Awareness Week for Cri-du-What? Syndrome

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Cri-du-Chat is French for “Cat’s Cry”. It is the name given to the syndrome that Jie Jie has. The syndrome was discovered 50 years ago by the French geneticist, Jerome Lejeune. This syndrome is also known as 5p- Syndrome or Lejeune Syndrome.

So much has changed in 50 years. One of the major breakthroughs has been not institutionalizing the children. For the past twenty years, or so, children with CdCS have been able to remain at home with their families – with the discovery that they actually develop so much more through the interaction and intentional therapy play starting at a young age.

The big breakthrough for me, as an expat, was the internet and communicating with other families that have a child with CdCS. I have been so grateful that I’ve been able to receive the services that I’ve needed to help our daughter develop and grow here in Taipei, but the lack of communicating with other parents has been difficult. Now, I’m able to check on the Facebook page or the website to get the latest information or to get a question answered. I don’t feel as if I’m wading through an unknown land without a map or compass. I know have fellow travelers who have gone ahead and left markers to help me navigate this new territory of parenting.

This week, May 5th-11th is the 2nd annual International CdCS Awareness Week. It is a time for the families to be a voice for their child who can’t speak up. It’s a time for us to encourage each other, to be excited that we are not alone, to cheer our children on as they develop more than we ever expected or imagined. If you’d like learn more, here is a short video that gives you a glimpse of what these kids can do.  I CAN

If you are living in Taipei or thinking about moving here with a special needs child, I wrote an article that just came out in Centered on Taipei‘s May issue titled “Living in Taipei with a Special Needs Child”.

Living overseas with a special needs child is not always easy, but neither is living overseas with children. Period.
Your Turn: Whether your child has special needs or not, what has been the most difficult thing about living overseas for you? Please share in the comments below.
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When My Name was Keoko – Book Review

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“What did you like about the book?” I asked my eleven year old son about When My Name was Keoko by Linda Sue Park.

I’m enjoying this season in life. My son is older and now reading books that I find interesting. He doesn’t like discussing them with me still, but he will give me his opinion.

A month ago, or so, I took my son to Taipei American School to listen to Linda Sue Park. After listening to her that evening, I wrote a post about the importance in telling family stories to our children. One of the books that she talked about that night was When My Name was Keoko. Both of us like WWII, so we both couldn’t wait to check that one out from the library.

I thought this was a great book for upper elementary and middle school TCKs. I believe that they could relate in someways, especially if they are South Korean.

1. The characters are TCKs: The events of WWII were from the point of view of Sun-yee and Tai-yul, a Korean sister and brother. The children at this time were really more like TCKs in their own home country. The Japanese occupied Korea and tried to replace the Korean culture with Japanese culture. One of the ways was by changing everyone’s names to Japanese names. So, Sun-yee became Keoko; and Tai-yul became Nobuo. Throughout the story you see the family struggle to hang onto their Korean culture by trying to teach the children what it means to be Korean.

2. Language is important: Korean was forbidden to be used during this time. All classes were conducted in Japanese. No one was to speak or write in Korean. Because of this, the Korean language was almost lost. We see that Sun-yee’s father saw the relationship between culture and language, so he secretly taught her the Korean alphabet.

3. To see the human-being: What I mean is not being judgmental towards other nationalities. Sun-yee’s good friend until she got older was the Japanese neighbor boy. She doesn’t see in her friend what everyone says and calls the Japanese. She is confused by this. When she is older, she does become friends with the Korean girls, but she never has harsh feelings about her neighbor. In fact, they help each other out at different times.

My son’s opinion about the book? He told me that he really liked reading about the Asian side of WWII and that he really liked the ending.

Your Turn: Have you read this book? What did you find in it that your TCK could relate to? Please comment below.

Parenting TCKs Top Ten

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10. You memorize expiration dates: passports and resident cards – because if you don’t and they expire you know how much it will be to get it all worked out.

9. Home communication becomes a mixture of words and phrases from various languages. (eg. Chinglish)
8. Airport security doesn’t scare you – even with all the changes.
7. Who needs Google Translator when you have a live version living with you? (kids always learn the language quicker)
6.Vacations are planned by looking at countries not gone to.
5. You know certain words like fever, diapers, toilet in many “foreign” languages, but are not fluent in any of them.
4. You don’t need to print off the directions for filling out a passport, because you do it often enough between you and your children.
3. You know the guards and office workers at the Embassy from all the visits for passports, citizen abroad papers, etc.
2. When your child(ren)’s friends come over to the house, your living room looks like a mini United Nations.
Though this is number one, it does NOT in anyway count as my favorite – I’d say it is the hardest of all…

Drum Roll, please……

1. You take your child to college in another country and watch them grow/struggle to figure out who they are as a TCK.

And there you have it, my Parenting TCKs Top Ten

Your Turn: Anything you’d add to this list? Please comment below.

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Meeting a Famous TCK

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Before the flu hit our family like a vicious creature from the black depths of the sea, I had the opportunity to listen to a John Newbery Award author speak at one of the International Schools here in Taipei. Linda Sue Park to be exact.

She’s a TCK, really!

I’m not sure she’d call herself a Third Culture Kid, but I do. Her parents are US immigrants from South Korea. Most of her books are tied back to South Korea in someway, which I love. Her curiosity of her parent’s life before America lead to questions, which lead to story ideas.

She was inspiring…

I’m not Korean, but I was inspired to share my stories and to find out the stories of my family to share with my own children. My kids should know about their great-grandparents and how they survived the dust bowl of the 30′s, how their grandparents survived WWII in Germany/Prussia, and how their parents grew up on opposite sides of the world yet still met and married.

How do you share family stories when you live on different continents?

Stories are usually shared around the table at family gatherings. I grew up in a family that met every Sunday after church at my grandparents’ home for lunch. This is where I heard many of the family stories, but my kids do not have that same opportunity. We live on a different continent and see them every few years.

What to do, what to do…

Be proactive. Keep a journal with the questions you want to ask. Get your kids involved if they are old enough and ask them what they want to know. Buy a book that already has the questions written down. Then spend time with those loved ones and find out the answers. You could even video the question/answer time so your children can watch it later. Your kids may not be that interested in it right now, but someday they will be – and when that day comes wouldn’t it be more fun to have a video or book to look at together than to just stare at them open mouthed and say, “I don’t know.”

My in-laws are visiting in a few months – I need to get that journal bought and ready.

Your Turn: Have you thought about your family stories and how you are going to pass them down to your kids? How have you managed it? I’d love to hear your thoughts and responses below.

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Field-Trip Madness

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We’ve been sick around here for the last few weeks, but I think we are now coming out of it. Finally.

A few months ago, I was thrilled to be asked by Carole at The Expat Child to write an article for her site. If you’ve not heard of this site, you need go and check it out. She has a wealth of information for parents relocating with their child(ren).

I had just survived a couple of field-trips with Jie Jie when I wrote this article. I shared some tips that I learned from the good, the bad, and the could have been ugly.  Here is a clip from that article.

Though staying home would have been easier, new experiences are good for her development – no matter how hard they may be for me. So, I took a deep breath, said a prayer and entered the pottery shop.

If you want to read the rest of the article you can click on the link: “Surviving Field-Trips with Special Needs Children”

Here’s some of my favorites from The Expat Child:

Jet-Lag and Children

Where is Home?

Step Out of Your Comfort Zone