Tag Archives: grief

Book Review: WHAT MADE THAT FEEL SO HARD? by Lauren Wells

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What Made That Feel SO Hard?

by Lauren Wells

Published: 2024

Summary:

In this book, Lauren Wells has taken her two previous books, The Grief Tower and Unstacking Your Grief Tower, and created a more in-depth version with guided questions and exercises. Her other two books were focused on TCKs specifically, but this book could be used by most people trying to understand the hardships of their past and how those hardships are affecting them now. I write “most” as a book should never replace therapy or counseling when it is needed – especially trauma-informed therapy. Lauren shares her own personal story throughout the book to highlight how to use The Grief Tower Model. She divided the book by giving a good portion to understanding the parts of The Grief Tower Model while offering exercises for a person to work through. The last couple of chapters are instructions on how to use it with other clients, with one chapter focused on working with children.

Recommendations:

I highly recommend this book to counselors who are working with people dealing with grief. It is a simple way for the clients to read a chapter and work through questions to process with someone else. I did do the exercises in the book and reflected on my own blocks. I was surprised how many blocks I had and the themes that seemed to come from the blocks. While Lauren did write it for individuals to use on their own, I would recommend talking with a trusted person who can help you process some of your findings. Friends are great, but in my personal opinion having a counselor bound by confidentiality laws is better for certain situations. And if you do find that some of your blocks are marked with trauma, then it is important to find a trauma-informed counselor to help you walk through it.

*Please note that I earn from qualifying purchases as an Amazon Associate. Please see disclaimer at the bottom of the page.

Workshop Review: Unstacking Your Grief Tower 101

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Unstacking Your Grief Tower 101

Company: Unstacking Company

Instructor: Lauren Wells

*Please note that I earn from qualifying purchases as an Amazon Associate. Please see disclaimer at the bottom of the page.

Grief is common to all humans. It is something we all experience at some point in our life. It does not matter if we are rich or poor, healthy or not, or what country or culture we come from. At some point in our life, we all will experience grief.

We often equate grief with death. And although death is a big season of grief, it is one of many reasons we experience grief. Grief comes because of loss. Of course, death is a significant loss – and so the grieving is deeper and harder. But grief also visits when a friend moves away, or we move, or when we lose a job, or [you fill in the blank].

This workshop is a course in grief processing. Specifically, Lauren instructs the viewer about her model of grief – The Grief Tower. I have reviewed two books that she wrote about the Grief Tower Model. (And she has a new book coming out in March that you can pre-order here). I have also reviewed the other video for someone who is in current grief. If you are currently going through something hard, I highly suggest you read my review and check out that 35-minute video to help you process that “block” on your grief tower.

If you do not know what a “block” is or what the Grief Tower Model is, AND you are not currently processing deep grief, then keep reading.

Unstacking Your Grief Tower 101 is a 60-minute workshop teaching the Grief Tower Model. Lauren takes you through the theory behind this. But she also guides you to process a less heavy block on your own grief tower. I found the step-by-step process easy to follow and a good way to practice using the model. This workshop will help you process for yourself and help someone else process their own block(s) as well. I appreciated this workshop because Lauren talked through visceral signs to look for in yourself or the person you are working with to know when to pause and take a break.

As always, Unstacking Company warns that this workshop should never take the place of therapy. Seek help from a counselor.*

*I am a short-term counselor if you do not know where to find one. Please reach out by email or go to my company’s website, Global Crossroads Consulting. I do offer a 30-minute free consultation.

Book Reviews: THE GRIEF TOWER & UNSTACKING YOUR GRIEF TOWER by Lauren Wells

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THE GRIEF TOWER: A practical guide to processing grief with third culture kids

Published: 2021

UNSTACKING YOUR GRIEF TOWER for adult third culture kids

Published: 2021

Both books were written by Lauren Wells.

*Please note that I earn from qualifying purchases as an Amazon Associate. Please see disclaimer at the bottom of the page.

Summary:

Lauren Wells is the CEO of TCK Training and the Unstacking Company. The TCK life is an ampersand where life is both exciting and hard. As a TCK and working with a number of TCKs, she found that processing grief and loss was hard work. She also noticed a gap in the care for TCKs and started to fill that gap with her book, Raising up a Generation of Healthy Third Culture Kids. Soon after, she released her books based on the Grief Tower Model that she developed. This model is to help process grief and loss.

THE GRIEF TOWER

This book is only 84 pages long. The chapters are short and easy to read. It is the theory behind the Grief Tower Model. Lauren offers clear understanding with practical suggestions to help TCKs process their own grief and loss. I appreciate this book as it breaks up the ideas for younger and older TCKs and how to relate to each group. It is a good book if you are curious about a grief model that looks at the life of TCKs. But if you plan to use the model with others, I highly recommend taking one of TCK Training’s workshops on debriefs or transitions.

UNSTACKING YOUR GRIEF TOWER

This is a practical guide for adult third-culture kids (ATCK), not children. It complements the book THE GRIEF TOWER, but you would not necessarily need to read it first. Lauren spends time in the introduction explaining the whats and whys behind this model. Each chapter guides you in processing your grief tower by asking questions or providing activities to work through. It can be done individually, or it could be done in a group where individuals share and move along together. This would need to be a “safe” space with guided rules of conduct, but processing grief with others can be healing. The Unstacking Company also offers a guided video workshop called Unstacking Your Grief Tower 101 led by Lauren. They also offer a workshop Processing Current Grief. Both workshops can be found here.

Both books warn that they are for educational purposes and not to be a substitute for “professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.”

Workshop Review: Processing Current Grief with Unstacking Company

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Processing Current Grief

Company: Unstacking Company

Instructor: Lauren Wells

Grief. It is not something anyone likes to talk about, but it is one of the most important emotions that needs to be discussed. Many cultures do not know how to grieve and therefore people are left with coping strategies that may help them survive the grief but become an unhealthy coping mechanism.

That is why I was pleased when I heard that the Unstacking Company was producing some self-directed videos to help people walk through their grief. This 35-minute video is packed with some good information.

Lauren first explains a little about the Grief Tower Model and how this video looks at just one of the major blocks on the tower. This block could be some significant loss, such as a move, a death, a diagnosis, or anything that seems really hard. She then goes into coping strategies that people use and how they are helpful, but also highlights when those strategies become unhealthy. This is helpful for self-evaluation of your own coping mechanisms that you might be using.

I felt that the analogy of being underwater was helpful in understanding where a person is and how they are feeling. Lauren then offers suggestions to process those feelings depending on how deep you feel you are in the water.

Unstacking Company is very clear that this video is NOT intended for those in the midst of severe grief and trauma. Nor is it for anyone with thoughts of suicide or thoughts of hurting someone else. Lauren is very clear that it is always best to get help from a professional if the grief is too deep.

I do recommend this video to anyone who wants to learn how to grieve in a healthy way because that is one of the commonalities of humanity. We all suffer in some way.

I also recommend it to someone who just experienced a loss and needs information about why they are feeling the way they do. It is a good introduction to grief and will help you decide if you need further help with a professional.

*Please note as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

Book Review: HOMESICK by Jean Fritz

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HOMESICK: My Own Story  homesick

by Jean Fritz

Published: 1999

Genre: Middle Grade Memoir/Fiction

*Please note as an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Summary:

Jean Fritz shares her life as a child growing up in the middle of China during the mid-twenties. She longs to go “home”. To a place she has only read about in letters from her grandmother, where she can feed chickens. And though this desire grows stronger as the date for departure gets closer, Jean shares her love for the Chinese people, especially her dear Lin Nai Nai. As with any good story, there is trouble and heartache. Through the eyes of a ten-year-old girl, Jean shares about the unrest developing in China towards foreigners. Jean also shares her confusion about how her parents reacted to the death of her baby sister. We glimpse the heart and mind of a young child who experienced so much. In the beginning, Jean informs her readers that most of the stories are true and that all the people are real, but the events are not chronological. As a NF writer, this was very important to her to clarify.

My Take:

Jean Fritz is a TCK. Get this book if you want to see examples of grief, frustration, and raw emotions from a TCK sprinkled with humor and wit. Yes, it’s written for a middle-grade child, but it is a beautifully written memoir of a young TCK. If I write too much more, I must write a spoiler alert. I cried and laughed – maybe partly because we used to live in Wuhan, now a large city that includes Hankou and Wuchang, two cities that play a massive part in this book. Or maybe just the pain of saying “good-bye.” Either way, there is a reason it is a Newbery Honor book.

Book Review: LOOMING TRANSITIONS Amy Young

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LOOMING TRANSITIONS: Starting and Finishing Well in Cross-Cultural Service

by Amy 28256660Young

Published: 2015

*Please note as an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Summary: LOOMING TRANSITIONS is a navigational book for those processing a cross-cultural move. It is not a “how-to” book. There are no lists of what you should do or pack; instead, it is a book that outlines ways to process emotions. Amy’s knowledge and insights on this topic come from her experience of moving overseas and repatriating back to the United States. There is a workbook that can be used for individual use, but Amy has also written another workbook for families to use with their children.

My Thoughts: I have read several books of Amy’s and enjoy her candid, transparent voice. It feels like you are sitting across from her, drinking coffee and talking about hard things. This book brought up some emotions from past moves that I thought I had processed but needed more work on. So, even if you have moved several times, it might be a resource for you to help process those moves. I glanced over the workbook and activity book but did not use them. So, I cannot honestly say how useful they were to me personally.

Coming out of Grief

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I’m joining in today with Velvet Ashes in their Friday “The Grove” linkup. This week the topic is on what every expat knows well – GRIEF.

Grief comes in various forms for the expat.

  • Every spring we say good-bye – either we are moving or someone we know and have grown to love is moving.
  • We say good-bye after every “home” visit – each getting a little harder as we see our grandparents, parents aging.
  • We miss family gatherings for birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, World Cup parties, or whatever…fill in the blank.
  • Death of dearly loved ones – either family or tragic accidents

For me, those have been true – but as a parent to a child with special needs I seem to grieve regularly. I don’t mean it is there every single day all the time. No, my grief hits me when I least expect it. It sometimes hits hard like a punch in the gut. It is strong enough to bring instant tears – but not strong enough to leave me in a pit of despair. I wrote a story for the anthology MONDAY COFFEE & OTHER STORIES OF MOTHERING CHILDREN WITH SPECIAL NEEDS. The section below, I feel, illustrates how grief tries to pull me down.

 I’m told that parenting a child with special needs stays difficult. It doesn’t just “go away.” I have found that to be true. Grief finds me at odd places. It finds me at the park where I see girls playing and laughing together while my daughter stumbles up the stairs to go down the slide. Grief finds me in the hospital holding the results from yet another developmental testing and I see she isn’t mentally where I thought she was. And Grief brings tears to my eyes when party invitations are passed out and she didn’t get one. Grief reminds me that she doesn’t have friends her age. She doesn’t seem to notice, but I do. I hurt.

Through all the grief and mourning, joy does come. It always does. It comes with a kiss and a hug. Joy comes with each new word she speaks. It comes when she dresses up in her cowboy hat, boots, and comes out swinging her pretend lasso. Joy comes from watching her love life in the way I sometimes wish I could.

Yes, joy does come after the mourning.

 

I read a recent blog post from another parent of a child with special needs and she stated it, too.

She is happy. She is totally fine. She doesn’t feel like she’s missing out. It’s not her dream, it’s mine.

Grief comes to everyone – unless you are a hermit who lives in a cave with no pets. As expats we must learn to go through the grieving process, to embrace it knowing that it will pass. And as a parent of a child with special needs, I’m learning that it’s okay to grieve – but that I need to not stay there. Here’s how I get out…

1. Count my blessings – you know that song, “10,000 Reasons”. I made a chart on the wall – but even just saying them out loud helps.

2. Sing Louder – speaking of songs, I put on praise music and turn it up real loud and usually break out dancing. It gets all of us into giggles.

3. Remind myself that my daughter is not sad – in fact she loves life to the fullest (most of the time). Just yesterday I used this…at the water park I started to feel sad because she couldn’t run off with the others to zip down the slide, but I looked up at her jumping in her life vest laughing and splashing around. She was fine – so I would be, too.

4. Take note of the gifts and talents that my children, especially my daughter with special needs, have. Not in a “I have the best kids in the world” kind of way, but in a “Wow, look how they are growing and giving to others” kind of way. (but, just so you know….I do have some pretty awesome kids!)

Your Turn: How has grief affected you? What has helped you through the process? Please share in the comments below.