Day in the Life: A “No Regrets” Story

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My youngest TCK will graduate at the end of this semester, and we are starting to build her RAF(G)T while I build my DOCK. Since Chinese New Year (also known as Lunar New Year) is quickly approaching, I thought going to the oldest market in Taipei, Di Hua Jie (迪化街), was important.

The Decision:

We live in what is called New Taipei City. Traveling into the city can take up to 1.5 hours by bus. Driving might take less time, but finding parking is not a game I like to play, especially on a weekend. All week the weather was dark, raining and cold. Everything in me rejected the idea of going into the city to do this with my daughter. Even she was not thrilled, but we looked at a weather app, which forecasted an “8% chance of rain.” It was going to be this night or not at all. We grabbed our coats and bus cards and briskly walked to the bus stop.

The Journey:

The bus was running the air conditioner. I kid you not. For one hour, I sat rocking, rubbing my arms trying to get warm, thinking, “Why did I think this would be a good idea? Why did I agree to this?”

We exited the bus at the Main Station, and I saw this statue that said “Father’s Love.” I smiled. It was not raining, and it was much warmer than the bus. Plus, just a few hundred meters away we spotted one of our favorite meals, hotpot. Perfect for cooler winter days.

The Time Together:

If you have ever been to an open market, you will understand the crowds, the hustle and bustle of everyone. If you have not, then imagine this: Dads holding the hands of toddlers. Moms pushing strollers. Grandparents showing their grandchildren bright red ornaments. Children stuffing plastic bags with bright-colored candy. Slowly moving along to the music of vendors calling out to buy their goods. Stopping every few steps to accept the offer of said good. Samples of spicy peanuts, dried pork, dried squic, dried veggies and fruit, sweet and sour candy, and nougat candy – it’s a paradise for any Foodie.

But it is also the opposite for those who are quick to get overstimulated. This is one reason why we only went one time as a family. It would have been when I was the mom pushing the double stroller while my husband held our toddler’s hand and parted a path through the crowd. I smiled and nodded to many parents with littles remembering those long ago days. Was it really that long ago?

The Conclusion:

As we slowly shuffled down the street, sampling a little of this and a lot of that, I noticed my daughter shifting from the follower to the leader. Isn’t that how life is supposed to be in a way. We lead our children in the ways we hope they will go. We teach, we guide, and then one day, they go off on their own, sometimes leading us.

Part of my DOCK was completed that evening. I started the evening wondering if I would regret the decision we made to venture out on a cold evening. The only regret I have is not buying another strawberry redbean mochi.

Book Reviews: THE GRIEF TOWER & UNSTACKING YOUR GRIEF TOWER by Lauren Wells

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THE GRIEF TOWER: A practical guide to processing grief with third culture kids

Published: 2021

UNSTACKING YOUR GRIEF TOWER for adult third culture kids

Published: 2021

Both books were written by Lauren Wells.

*Please note that I earn from qualifying purchases as an Amazon Associate. Please see disclaimer at the bottom of the page.

Summary:

Lauren Wells is the CEO of TCK Training and the Unstacking Company. The TCK life is an ampersand where life is both exciting and hard. As a TCK and working with a number of TCKs, she found that processing grief and loss was hard work. She also noticed a gap in the care for TCKs and started to fill that gap with her book, Raising up a Generation of Healthy Third Culture Kids. Soon after, she released her books based on the Grief Tower Model that she developed. This model is to help process grief and loss.

THE GRIEF TOWER

This book is only 84 pages long. The chapters are short and easy to read. It is the theory behind the Grief Tower Model. Lauren offers clear understanding with practical suggestions to help TCKs process their own grief and loss. I appreciate this book as it breaks up the ideas for younger and older TCKs and how to relate to each group. It is a good book if you are curious about a grief model that looks at the life of TCKs. But if you plan to use the model with others, I highly recommend taking one of TCK Training’s workshops on debriefs or transitions.

UNSTACKING YOUR GRIEF TOWER

This is a practical guide for adult third-culture kids (ATCK), not children. It complements the book THE GRIEF TOWER, but you would not necessarily need to read it first. Lauren spends time in the introduction explaining the whats and whys behind this model. Each chapter guides you in processing your grief tower by asking questions or providing activities to work through. It can be done individually, or it could be done in a group where individuals share and move along together. This would need to be a “safe” space with guided rules of conduct, but processing grief with others can be healing. The Unstacking Company also offers a guided video workshop called Unstacking Your Grief Tower 101 led by Lauren. They also offer a workshop Processing Current Grief. Both workshops can be found here.

Both books warn that they are for educational purposes and not to be a substitute for “professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment.”

New Year New Goals

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New journals, new shoes, new hopes, and new goals. That is what the first few weeks of January 2024 have held for me. But before I get too carried away, I have learned that it is good to look back at the previous year and acknowledge the hard, note the lessons I learned, and celebrate any achievements.

The Hard

I started this blog in 2011, hoping to encourage others in the throws of raising little TCKs. I have met or interacted on social media with many of you. What a treat. As my kids got older, I became more aware of the need to maintain their privacy and not write about their stories. And now, they are adults, and I was unsure I had anything to write about. So, earlier this year, I considered closing this blog. I wondered if it was worth the subscription I am paying. And I also started a new company with its own website. So, I was not sure this blog was relevant. That was hard.

The Lessons

I began getting emails from authors asking if I would consider reading an advanced reader copy (ARC) to help promote their book by writing a review here. I also spoke at the International Third Culture Kid Conference on how to support families raising TCKs with special needs. My lesson is that as people change and develop, so do blogs. And this blog has changed a bit over the years.

The Achievements

I did not receive any blogging, writing, or parenting TCK awards. But, as I was filling out my Reflect on 2023 & Prepare for 2024 from Global Trellis, I was reminded that we should celebrate small achievements daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. So, my achievement is that this blog is still open. It is simple, but considering I about shut it down, it is an achievement. And this achievement could not have happened without you, the Readers. So, thank you for opening up your inbox to me to read and learn along with me. I value your trust in me.

New Year: Hopes and Goals

Maybe you are wondering what to expect from this space this year. I would be. So here is what I would like to do. My hope & goal is to offer a post once a week. My first goal is to post two book reviews on TCKs or living overseas each month. My second goal is to have some sort of a story of my life as a parent of ATCKs, but also as a parent of a TCK with special needs. And my third goal is to interview other parents raising TCKs (this will come out later in the year).

I could use your help. Want to know how? I’m not going to ask for money, so don’t worry.

First, contact me if you are an author and would like me to review your book. Or, if you have book recommendations let me know. I have a stack going – but I am always looking for new resources and fiction.

Second, let me know if you would be interested in being interviewed.

Thank you for reading this blog. Thank you again for your trust and your time.

Book Review: MOVING ON SERIES by Claire Holmes

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  1. LEAVING WELL ACTIVITY BOOK
  2. ARRIVING WELL ACTIVITY BOOK
  3. MOVING ON FACILITATOR’S GUIDE

by Claire Holmes

Published: 2023

*Please note that I earn from qualifying purchases as an Amazon Associate.

Summary:

Claire Holmes is Head of School Counselling at Tanglin Trust School, Singapore. She has worked with TCKs for 14 years. This small piece of information significantly impacted why I wanted to review this series. Plus, the fact that it is for the younger TCKs is something I feel has been lacking.

There are two workbooks with one facilitator’s guide. Both workbooks are filled with activities that help children process their emotions and thoughts about transition. You can buy the workbooks individually or in a bundle with the facilitator’s guide.

LEAVING WELL:

Claire uses activities that start when the parent(s) tell the child they are leaving. She has the children look at their feelings using an adapted chart of culture shock but does not use that vocabulary. Many people who have lived overseas for long have heard of RAFT. It is a great tool, but the concepts are challenging for children in the age group. Claire uses GUTSS but has the same concepts as RAFT, just in simpler terms.

ARRIVING WELL:

In this workbook, Claire begins by letting children chart their times of transition on a timeline. She has various activities to help children recognize stress in their bodies but also provides ways to cope that help relieve anxiety. Again, the simplified version of the Stages of Culture Shock graph is used to help children name the emotions they may be feeling at this time in the move. She ends the workbook with ten tips and appropriate activities to help transition into a new place.

FACILITATOR’S GUIDE:

This book is designed like a teacher’s manual. Every activity in both workbooks offers the rationale for the activity, how to set the scene for the activity, materials needed, directions for the activity, tips to make it easier, and extension activities that you can add if you would like. I have not tried the manual, but it seems easy to use with clear directions.

Overall, I think this is a perfect resource tool for the school to help younger children who are ready to move or have just moved to the school. I like that Claire used vocabulary that helps children at this age grasp the concepts of transitions while offering them space to process their emotions. I believe that giving children language to express their feelings empowers them to communicate clearly and better understand what they are experiencing during this significant life event. Claire does mention that the LEAVING WELL workbook should be started around eight weeks before departure. I agree, but I would also encourage you to start earlier with the goodbye pages so that if there are any lasts, you as a family can not only plan them but have time to make them happen.

Book Review: ESSENTIALS FOR PEOPLE CARE AND DEVELOPMENT, edited by Geoff Whiteman and Heather Pubols

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ESSENTIALS FOR PEOPLE CARE AND DEVELOPMENT: A Collection of Best Practices, Research, Reflections, and Strategies

Edited by: Geoff Whiteman and Heather Pubols

Published: 2023

*Please note as an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

This book is a collection of articles written by researchers, leaders of member care, and counselors who work with global workers. The forward, written by Laura Mae Gardner and Brent Lindquist – pioneers of member care- encourages and praises this collection but also challenges everyone to keep researching as they see member care continue to change and grow in the future.

The book is divided into two sections. The first section is titled “Engaging the Cross in Member Care,” touching on suffering, resilience, reasons for attrition, trauma care, and how the gift of hospitality can be used in member care. The second section is titled “Engaging Our Changing World in Member Care” This section challenges the collaboration of mission organizations with the sending churches to better support those that are sent overseas. It offers practical suggestions such as checking for family preparations, child safety, conflicts on the team, and how team dynamics are affected by different attitudes and personalities of supervisors.

An individual can use this book to understand member care and how to improve one’s own part. But it can also be used in a small group as a springboard for professional development. Each article has questions at the end that can be used for discussion, along with a list of other resources that can be used to research further. I found that after reading each chapter, I wanted to discuss the topics as I had more questions or did not always agree completely with what was written. That said, I think it an excellent book because a book that makes you think and want to discuss is a good book.

Book Review: SERVING WELL by Elizabeth and Jonathan Trotter

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SERVING WELL: Help for the Wannabe, Newbie, or Weary Cross-Cultural Christian Worker

by Elizabeth and Jonathan Trotter

Published: 2019

*Please note as an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.

Serving Well is a compilation of short articles and blog posts that Elizabeth and Jonathan wrote during their time in SE Asia and after their return to the States. It is organized in such a way that readers can easily find topics that apply to what they are looking for. In fact there are eleven sections: Preparing Well, Moving Well, Grieving Well, Talking Care of Your Heart Well, Taking Care of Your Marriage Well, Taking Care of Your Children Well, Working Well, Anticipating Well, Recalculating Well, Communicating Well, and Returning Well. The book really covers from preparing to leave to returning and everything in between.

Neither author expected to be writers, but they have developed the craft of writing and produced a book that is a useful resource for any family about to embark on this journey of living overseas. My only critique was that they had an article titled, “A Letter to Singles” that was directed to single women missionaries, not all singles. I do think that if they ever write a second edition, adding some articles to each section for singles would be make this book a valuable resource for any mission organization or member care team.

Overall, I do recommend it for families living abroad.

Workshop Review: Processing Current Grief with Unstacking Company

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Processing Current Grief

Company: Unstacking Company

Instructor: Lauren Wells

Grief. It is not something anyone likes to talk about, but it is one of the most important emotions that needs to be discussed. Many cultures do not know how to grieve and therefore people are left with coping strategies that may help them survive the grief but become an unhealthy coping mechanism.

That is why I was pleased when I heard that the Unstacking Company was producing some self-directed videos to help people walk through their grief. This 35-minute video is packed with some good information.

Lauren first explains a little about the Grief Tower Model and how this video looks at just one of the major blocks on the tower. This block could be some significant loss, such as a move, a death, a diagnosis, or anything that seems really hard. She then goes into coping strategies that people use and how they are helpful, but also highlights when those strategies become unhealthy. This is helpful for self-evaluation of your own coping mechanisms that you might be using.

I felt that the analogy of being underwater was helpful in understanding where a person is and how they are feeling. Lauren then offers suggestions to process those feelings depending on how deep you feel you are in the water.

Unstacking Company is very clear that this video is NOT intended for those in the midst of severe grief and trauma. Nor is it for anyone with thoughts of suicide or thoughts of hurting someone else. Lauren is very clear that it is always best to get help from a professional if the grief is too deep.

I do recommend this video to anyone who wants to learn how to grieve in a healthy way because that is one of the commonalities of humanity. We all suffer in some way.

I also recommend it to someone who just experienced a loss and needs information about why they are feeling the way they do. It is a good introduction to grief and will help you decide if you need further help with a professional.

*Please note as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

Building the “F” in RAFT

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For many expat families, this is the time of year when decisions are made about leaving the host country for a new posting. Or, in some cases, repatriating to their passport country. In my case, my youngest is in her last year of high school. There are nights when our eyes are glazed over from looking at university applications together, but I am reminded that she also needs to build her RAFT.

What is RAFT? 

RAFT is an acronym created by the late Dave Pollock to help teenagers (and adults) in their transitions. It stands for Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewell, and Think Destination.  

It does not guarantee that everything will be smooth sailing, but it gives thought to various aspects of moving and allows the person to process. About this time of year, I usually talk with a group of students in their final year of high school, focusing on building the “F” in RAFT, or Farewell. I challenge them to begin their “[insert host country name]’s Bucket List” now.

So, I am challenging you as a parent who is getting a family ready to move, or if your child is about to launch into adulthood, to start your “Bucket List”. 

What Should Go on the “Bucket List”?

If you want to know, please read the Multicultural Kids Blog to read the rest. I was a guest writer for them this week.

Book Review: ARRIVING WELL by Cate Brubaker, Doreen Cumberford, Helen Watts

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ARRIVING WELL: Stories about identity, belonging and rediscovering home after living abroad 

By Cate Brubaker, Doreen Cumberford, and Helen Watts

Published 2018

  • Please note as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

Book Review:

ARRIVING WELL is a collection of five stories from people who moved to their passport country after an extended time living overseas. Otherwise known as repatriating. Each story is short and easy to read. Though there are only five stories, they come from a rich background across the globe; not just from one common country. The stories are real and vulnerable to the point of sharing their failures. Two of the contributors include Jerry Jones and Michael Pollock. 

After each story, the three authors collaborated, offering their thoughts and wisdom as transition coaches. They highlight main points from each story while offering questions for the reader to continue processing their own journey. At the end of the book, they list ways that they can be contacted, along with their websites where more resources can be found. At the time of writing this review, all the links worked. 

I would recommend this book to those who have moved or are about to embark on this move to their passport country. I believe it will help them begin to think about what struggles they may meet, but also seeing the struggles of others can help normalize some of the emotions and feelings that they are going through. I will note that it does not talk about how children may be experiencing this transition, but I do believe that healthy parent(s) will help a child(ren) needing help. 

Book Review: BELONGING BEYOND BORDERS by Megan C. Norton

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BELONGING BEYOND BORDERS: How Adult Third Culture Kids Can Cultivate a Sense of Belonging

by Megan C. Norton

*Please note as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.

This is a good resource/workbook for any young adult about to go into adulthood, but especially for TCKs. Megan is the daughter of a US diplomat, so she understands the ins and outs of being a TCK. She has taken time to write about what she has learned from experience, but also through research to help adult TCKs thrive in adulthood.

As human beings we all have the desire to belong; to know and be known. Megan explains how finding community and growing roots in that community is the key to belonging. She gives practical examples of how to do this. She acknowledges that before one can really be known by others, they must really know their own identity. She allows for the reader to look past their identity of being a “third culture kid” to explore explore their values and to realize their own core identity. Through this I feel she helps to normalize the confusion of wanting community, but feeling lost in how to get it. Throughout the book, Megan uses the analogy of a garden. This analogy is more then just “growing deeper roots”. She uses the science behind some gardening techniques used by avid gardeners to explain her points. And she does it in a way that the reader does not need to be a gardener to understand. I feel this quote from the end of the book reveals the heart of the book, “Gardens are places where you can bury your troubles, griefs, and pain and grow beautiful, new life. Gardens become (re)generative spaces that offer healing and harmony” (p. 291).