Day one of 2025 is here. At midnight, our city had a spectacular display of fireworks. I know this for two reasons. One, I felt our house shake from all the “booms,” which caused our dog to whine and bark up and down the hallway, which woke our twenty-something daughter with disabilities. Second, a friend who lives in a village just across the river posted a video this morning of the show from her balcony. I apprecitated the show better from her point of view.
This morning felt heavy – and not from partying the night before. When you have a child with disabilities, many things end – or rather, they change. Some for the better.
One thing that hasn’t changed is that every morning, I write in my journal and read my Bible – some mornings, I write the happenings of the day before or process something I had read in a book the night before. This morning, I processed what my One Word* would be:
I’ve been thinking about a word for this year, but nothing has come to mind. This morning, Uwe and I slept until 8 a.m. Matthea woke at 8:30 a.m. and has been a demanding tyrant for the past half hour. Maybe it’s because I haven’t had my coffee or sat with my thoughts and Bible – but if this is the outlook for 2025, then I choose HOPE for my word because I am feeling hopeless right now.
Hopeless that things will change and get better.
Hopeless that my writing will become anything worthy to publish.
Hopeless that I’ll make anything of my business.
Hopeless that Matthea will ever get to go to a Christian Adult Day program.
Hopeless that we will always be stuck in this rut of clutter and chaos.
What a great outlook for the first day of the year. It’s like starting a new book or chapter with marks and tears – making it barely readable, and you just want to throw it in the trash and pick another one off the shelf. But the shelf is bare, and this is the only book on it. It’s yours, a gift from the Lord.
So, hope is needed. Hope to take those tears and repair them, to fill in the pages with resurrection hope…And that can only be done with Christ – the Living Hope.
Hope – in my health, my work, my family, and in the home. I don’t say this flippantly, but because of Christ, there is always hope.
But what does your first day of 2025 look like so far? Do you pick a word for the year? If so, what did you choose?
*One Word – This is choosing one word for the year rather than writing New Year resolutions. The reasoning is that one word is easier to remember and can usually cross into all parts of your life.
**pc: my photo of a candle my oldest gave me a year ago that still makes me laugh every time I look at it.
Today’s story involves my TCK husband, my daughter with special needs, and stress. And, of course, myself with lessons learned.
Setting
You may know that my husband is German but grew up on the island of Taiwan. He has only lived in Germany for a total of six years. This story occurred in his passport country, where the temperature dropped tremendously. We had packed for cooler temperatures, not for winter. We stayed in a village nestled in the middle of steep forested hills and valleys. It was beautiful and quiet but far from civilization.
Conflict
In any story, there is some sort of conflict. It can be person vs. person, person vs. self, or person vs. nature. This one may seem to be a person vs. person conflict, but it is, in fact, a conflict involving all three — one you may call the perfect conflict storm.
Person vs. Nature: Most of my work these days revolves around the computer and being online. The same is true for my husband. This beautiful location had very limited wifi. In fact, we could not all be on it simultaneously. We needed to take turns or go to a coffee shop inside Globus. I was waking up at 4am due to jet lag, so I would work until 7am while most of the village was sleeping. Most days it was slow but doable within those three hours. The weather had turned from sunny, gorgeous blue skies to cold, gray, rainy days. It just added to the tension of this particular morning.
Person vs. Self: The pressure I put on myself is sometimes ridiculous. I struggle with being a perfectionist. At this point, I had writing and editing deadlines due and quite a bit of reading to do. As a mom to an adult with special needs, I wanted to make sure that I had stimulating activities for her to do, which I failed for the most part. Then, there is the pressure I put on myself to be the idolized Proverbs 31 woman. I’m old enough and have studied that passage enough to know the real meaning, but I slip back into that belief system when I’m in my perfectionist mode.
Person vs. Person: My husband is great. He is patient with me and understanding most of the time. But there are times in our lives when we are both under pressure, stressed, and fighting inner battles that we tend to clash with each other. This was one of those mornings. And then there is my daughter with special needs. She is nonverbal, but communicates very well what she wants most of the time. She has her ideas of what she wants and we have our ideas of what she can have. And sometimes those are not the same. Thus, a conflict of wills.
On this early morning, I woke up with no coffee powder. We were out. I didn’t want to risk waking his parents at such an early hour, so I made tea. The internet was at an all-time speed of zilch. Okay, I can go to the coffee shop when Uwe wakes up and still make the deadline. No problem. I read books for my research and did what I could that didn’t require wifi.
Uwe woke and went down to get coffee powder. We had a quiet breakfast together with coffee. My day was getting better. Matthea woke, and I began to help her get ready for the day. Uwe made her breakfast.
All seemed to be going as I had planned.
As I passed the kitchen to grab Matthea’s clothes in the other room, I noticed Uwe packing his computer into his bag.
Umm, are you planning to go to the coffee shop?
I talked to Dad this morning, and he needs to go to the store, so I’m going to ride with him. I will work at the coffee shop and then bring back lunch for us.How does that sound?
A perfect wife would have said, “That sounds wonderful.” But more likely could have said, “Wait, you are going to the coffee shop? Is there any way I could go instead? Or maybe we all go?”
But that is not what came out of my mouth.
I didn’t say anything. I shut the bathroom door and mumbled complaints as I handed Matthea her shirt and pants. So began the inner battles.
What is wrong? He calls from the other side of the door.
Nothing is wrong.
What, are you mad that I’m going to the coffee shop? What were you planning to do?
I pretend to not hear him. I can hear him mumbling in the kitchen as he begins to do the dishes.
I follow Matthea into the kitchen. Her breakfast is on the table. Uwe is at the sink finishing up the last dish. Matthea turned abruptly around and communicated that she wanted her iPad. The rule is that after breakfast, she can listen to an episode while she builds blocks or colors. She had her own expectations of what the day would look like. And a battle of wills began. Another layer of conflict.
The storm was at full brew now.
Climax
With Matthea finally in her chair and eating breakfast, I thought I could grasp what was going on.
What time are you leaving? I asked.
In like twenty minutes.
The struggle in my brain was real. I was pressured to get some writing projects submitted that day, and I had no internet access. I wanted to be warm. I wanted Matthea to be normal and be able to do what typical twenty-one-year-olds do. I wanted Uwe to know what I wanted and needed. This all swirled in my mind, which only frustrated me even more. I could feel my brain flooding.
Flooding is when your emotions are at an all-time high, and you are not able to process what you are feeling. It affects your thoughts and the way you function. And the only way to stop the flooding is to create space to think it out.
I grabbed my tennis shoes.
I’m going for a walk and I promise to be back before you need to leave.
He nodded in understanding. I opened the door to cold, fresh air and started speed walking up the hill. I walked until my lungs stung, which didn’t take long. Within ten minutes, I had my frustrations out and was ready to talk.
Conclusion
I returned in a calm spirit. I told him what I was expecting that morning. He grinned.
What if we all go? Can you be ready in ten minutes?
I love that man. That is precisely what we did. We all went to the coffee shop and got our work done on time. And Matthea enjoyed looking at a new magazine while we worked.
One of the things I have learned in my studies in care and counseling that has really helped me is the idea of flooding. In my own life, I can now recognize when I am heading in that direction or in a state of flooding. I now know that I need space to process what I’m feeling, why I’m feeling those feelings, and even to process what I feel about those feelings. From there, I can make a decision about what I am going to do with all those emotions.
Maybe you can relate to this state of flooding. When your brain is flooding, you need to step away from the conflict and do something different. This will stop the hormones that are literally flooding your brain, telling you that you are in danger.
Or maybe you can relate to my husband. Maybe you have a significant other or child who experiences flooding. In this case, let them have the space away to get control over their emotions. Let them color, do sudoku, take a walk, or something for ten to twenty minutes. Then, talk to them about the conflict. That space will also be good for you as well.
To know more about this, please check out my article, “Transition Issues: Window of Tolerance,” at Global Crossroads Consulting. It explains how some people flood and shutdown and how others get revved up and may explode.
In 2014, I published a post on learning to be content with simple birthday parties because our middle child with special needs turned eleven, and I could not think of a single friend to invite to her party. You can read the rest of the article here. Recently, Matthea turned twenty-one while traveling from one country to another. Again we were in a situation where friends were scarce, but family was not. But, while in the midst of this, I was also reminded to enjoy and celebrate the simple things.
We celebrated her birthday four times. One with friends who are like family and three with family. Each had a different theme. But they all had cake, presents, and singing. If you have ever celebrated a birthday party with Matthea, you know that clapping will accompany the singing. Loud clapping.
This girl loves to celebrate.
At the small church we attend, when we visit family, they invite those with birthdays or anniversaries to come to the front while everyone sings. Every single Sunday, she raised her hand and giggled though it was not her birthday. But, when others went forward she began her sharp clap to her own beat of the song “Happy Birthday.” On the day it was her birthday, she jumped down the aisle with the clapping.
But she doesn’t need a birthday to celebrate.
Last week, we took a longer walk than we intended. We ended up climbing a steep path that wound its way up to the point where we could look out over the valleys on either side of the hill. It was difficult for her. She wanted to stop several times, but she made it to the top with some encouraging chant of her name.
The view was stunning, but to see her smile and give us fist bumps when we told her we were proud of her was priceless. She wanted a Kinder chocolate bar to celebrate.
As usual, I think we can learn from her – to celebrate birthdays with clapping, conquer hills with fist bumps and chocolate, and enjoy life’s simplest things.
Raising TCKs in lands that are not familiar to us has its challenges. If you have moved to a new location and just rounded the corner of living there for a month, I challenge you to celebrate that achievement.
If you’ve lived there a year and you notice your kids are now eating foods they would not try when you first got there or can order food at a restaurant. Celebrate!
If you are now able to read the road signs or understand the announcements on the public transportation, celebrate!
Celebrations do not need to be extravagant planned-out theme parties – though if you LOVE to do that, go for it. They can be a simple high-five with your kids, a special meal with the family, or even a simple piece of chocolate.
Leaving your TCKs behind to return to life in your host country is NOT easy. This time, we left two, and it was not any easier. When two of the four most precious beings are no longer close by, the desire to buy a house and settle in a place you’ve never been to grows pretty strong.
That morning, I woke to a heavy chest and a lump in my throat. I quietly made coffee and let the tears roll down onto my journal. By the time everyone woke, my eyes were red but dry. We kept busy packing and loading the car.
The first drop-off was the oldest to his new apartment. We met one of his roommates – a fellow TCK. What a gift.
Lunch. I looked at the menu, but nothing sounded good. Who wants to eat when they are full from a plate stacked with grief? We moved the food around our plates, taking bites here and there. My husband tried to lighten the mood with “dad jokes” and asking questions about what the kids have planned for the week.
Everything felt flat. It was that in-between time when it was almost time to drive away. The goodbyes are hidden. Stuffed and buried. The heart aches as time pushes those goodbyes to the surface. I really do not like this space of time.
But it is always better to go through grief. And this is the first step towards letting go.
In the parking lot of his apartment, the tears flow. I know it’s good, but man is it hard. “See you in a year” feels like a lifetime.
And then, we drove our youngest to her new place of residence.
She gets a phone call. She’s been called for an interview for a job. Finally.
Then, we see a large bird on the road. It’s a vulture.
A vulture in the middle of a large city?
We passed slowly to see not one but probably ten to fifteen vultures in a yard. And we smelled that pungent smell of decay.
A car horn blared.
We realized we were mesmerized by this sight and had basically stopped in the road. We moved forward and began laughing.
A few minutes later, we were in the driveway. Quiet. None of us wanted to make the first move.
But the clock kept moving forward, and we had a very long drive ahead of us. We got out of the car.
By this time, our middle daughter with special needs had caught up with what was happening. She began to tear up. Grief wrapped its arms around her tiny frame, and without reserve, she sobbed. The chest heaving kind with wails.
But she demonstrated what we felt.
As we entered the freeway, the distance between us and the kids got farther, and my chest heaved. The dam broke. The tears flowed. My husband reached over and held my hand. My middle child rubbed my shoulder.
This goodbye felt like a death. While it is a “death” of their childhood as they are becoming adults, it also feels like it will be forever before we see them again.
And in the moment of my grief, I was thankful that I was not part of a family of vultures.
If you are a parent who has said goodbye to your college kids this year. Check out this resource that I created for those who stay. DOCK: a resource for the Stayers
This article was first published on July 31, 2020, titled Transition Roller Coaster. I have reworked and updated it below.
Transitions. It is a rocky time for globally mobile families. You are up and then down. Tossed and turned. Some people like the thrill of rollercoasters. Some people do not.
Transitioning with all the unknowns, chaos, and goodbyes feels like a never-ending rollercoaster ride. And just as people have very different opinions about rollercoasters, each person in a globally mobile family will have different reactions during this time of transition.
So, what can you, as the parent or caregiver, do?
Be aware. Be aware of your own feelings and responses to those feelings. Observe how your body is responding to all the emotions you may be having. Is there tension in your shoulders? Headaches? Also, be aware that others may be acting out of response to anxiety, deep sadness, or even fear.
Choose Grace. Grace is a Christian word that basically means gift. Offer the gift of understanding when a young child throws a tantrum at the table. Give grace to your spouse when you find them “hiding” in a book, TV series, or a game. Giving grace sometimes means forgiving before it’s been asked for. Don’t forget to give yourself grace. It’s easy to be hard on yourself, but you need grace, too.
Communicate. When you are aware of your own actions and responses you can communicate with your family how you are feeling. You can ask for forgiveness when you’ve spoken in anger because of stress. You can ask how they are doing with this upcoming change. Use open-ended questions that do not allow for responses like “Okay,” “Fine,” or “It was good.” Ask “What are you going to miss the most?” or “How do you want to stay in touch with ______?” Remember though, that HOW you communicate is key – go back to #2 for guidance.
It’s easy to just close your eyes during a rollercoaster ride and not have the full experience. It’s also easy to just try to skip all of the parts of the transition to avoid the painful and hard moments, but it’s important to go through them. It’s important to process it all. Your mind and heart both need it.
So, I challenge you to hold on to that safety harness and force your eyes to stay open through all the dips, dives, and loops this transition rollercoaster brings.
My youngest TCK will graduate at the end of this semester, and we are starting to build her RAF(G)T while I build my DOCK. Since Chinese New Year (also known as Lunar New Year) is quickly approaching, I thought going to the oldest market in Taipei, Di Hua Jie (迪化街), was important.
The Decision:
We live in what is called New Taipei City. Traveling into the city can take up to 1.5 hours by bus. Driving might take less time, but finding parking is not a game I like to play, especially on a weekend. All week the weather was dark, raining and cold. Everything in me rejected the idea of going into the city to do this with my daughter. Even she was not thrilled, but we looked at a weather app, which forecasted an “8% chance of rain.” It was going to be this night or not at all. We grabbed our coats and bus cards and briskly walked to the bus stop.
The Journey:
The bus was running the air conditioner. I kid you not. For one hour, I sat rocking, rubbing my arms trying to get warm, thinking, “Why did I think this would be a good idea? Why did I agree to this?”
We exited the bus at the Main Station, and I saw this statue that said “Father’s Love.” I smiled. It was not raining, and it was much warmer than the bus. Plus, just a few hundred meters away we spotted one of our favorite meals, hotpot. Perfect for cooler winter days.
The Time Together:
If you have ever been to an open market, you will understand the crowds, the hustle and bustle of everyone. If you have not, then imagine this: Dads holding the hands of toddlers. Moms pushing strollers. Grandparents showing their grandchildren bright red ornaments. Children stuffing plastic bags with bright-colored candy. Slowly moving along to the music of vendors calling out to buy their goods. Stopping every few steps to accept the offer of said good. Samples of spicy peanuts, dried pork, dried squic, dried veggies and fruit, sweet and sour candy, and nougat candy – it’s a paradise for any Foodie.
But it is also the opposite for those who are quick to get overstimulated. This is one reason why we only went one time as a family. It would have been when I was the mom pushing the double stroller while my husband held our toddler’s hand and parted a path through the crowd. I smiled and nodded to many parents with littles remembering those long ago days. Was it really that long ago?
The Conclusion:
As we slowly shuffled down the street, sampling a little of this and a lot of that, I noticed my daughter shifting from the follower to the leader. Isn’t that how life is supposed to be in a way. We lead our children in the ways we hope they will go. We teach, we guide, and then one day, they go off on their own, sometimes leading us.
Part of my DOCK was completed that evening. I started the evening wondering if I would regret the decision we made to venture out on a cold evening. The only regret I have is not buying another strawberry redbean mochi.
New journals, new shoes, new hopes, and new goals. That is what the first few weeks of January 2024 have held for me. But before I get too carried away, I have learned that it is good to look back at the previous year and acknowledge the hard, note the lessons I learned, and celebrate any achievements.
The Hard
I started this blog in 2011, hoping to encourage others in the throws of raising little TCKs. I have met or interacted on social media with many of you. What a treat. As my kids got older, I became more aware of the need to maintain their privacy and not write about their stories. And now, they are adults, and I was unsure I had anything to write about. So, earlier this year, I considered closing this blog. I wondered if it was worth the subscription I am paying. And I also started a new company with its own website. So, I was not sure this blog was relevant. That was hard.
The Lessons
I began getting emails from authors asking if I would consider reading an advanced reader copy (ARC) to help promote their book by writing a review here. I also spoke at the International Third Culture Kid Conference on how to support families raising TCKs with special needs. My lesson is that as people change and develop, so do blogs. And this blog has changed a bit over the years.
The Achievements
I did not receive any blogging, writing, or parenting TCK awards. But, as I was filling out my Reflect on 2023 & Prepare for 2024 from Global Trellis, I was reminded that we should celebrate small achievements daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly. So, my achievement is that this blog is still open. It is simple, but considering I about shut it down, it is an achievement. And this achievement could not have happened without you, the Readers. So, thank you for opening up your inbox to me to read and learn along with me. I value your trust in me.
New Year: Hopes and Goals
Maybe you are wondering what to expect from this space this year. I would be. So here is what I would like to do. My hope & goal is to offer a post once a week. My first goal is to post two book reviews on TCKs or living overseas each month. My second goal is to have some sort of a story of my life as a parent of ATCKs, but also as a parent of a TCK with special needs. And my third goal is to interview other parents raising TCKs (this will come out later in the year).
I could use your help. Want to know how? I’m not going to ask for money, so don’t worry.
First, contact me if you are an author and would like me to review your book. Or, if you have book recommendations let me know. I have a stack going – but I am always looking for new resources and fiction.
Second, let me know if you would be interested in being interviewed.
Thank you for reading this blog. Thank you again for your trust and your time.
*Please note as an Amazon Associate, I earn from qualifying purchases.
Serving Well is a compilation of short articles and blog posts that Elizabeth and Jonathan wrote during their time in SE Asia and after their return to the States. It is organized in such a way that readers can easily find topics that apply to what they are looking for. In fact there are eleven sections: Preparing Well, Moving Well, Grieving Well, Talking Care of Your Heart Well, Taking Care of Your Marriage Well, Taking Care of Your Children Well, Working Well, Anticipating Well, Recalculating Well, Communicating Well, and Returning Well. The book really covers from preparing to leave to returning and everything in between.
Neither author expected to be writers, but they have developed the craft of writing and produced a book that is a useful resource for any family about to embark on this journey of living overseas. My only critique was that they had an article titled, “A Letter to Singles” that was directed to single women missionaries, not all singles. I do think that if they ever write a second edition, adding some articles to each section for singles would be make this book a valuable resource for any mission organization or member care team.
Overall, I do recommend it for families living abroad.
For many expat families, this is the time of year when decisions are made about leaving the host country for a new posting. Or, in some cases, repatriating to their passport country. In my case, my youngest is in her last year of high school. There are nights when our eyes are glazed over from looking at university applications together, but I am reminded that she also needs to build her RAFT.
What is RAFT?
RAFT is an acronym created by the late Dave Pollock to help teenagers (and adults) in their transitions. It stands for Reconciliation, Affirmation, Farewell, and Think Destination.
It does not guarantee that everything will be smooth sailing, but it gives thought to various aspects of moving and allows the person to process. About this time of year, I usually talk with a group of students in their final year of high school, focusing on building the “F” in RAFT, or Farewell. I challenge them to begin their “[insert host country name]’s Bucket List” now.
So, I am challenging you as a parent who is getting a family ready to move, or if your child is about to launch into adulthood, to start your “Bucket List”.
What Should Go on the “Bucket List”?
If you want to know, please read the Multicultural Kids Blog to read the rest. I was a guest writer for them this week.
*Please note as an Amazon Associate I earn from qualifying purchases.
This guide book is designed for families that are about to embark on a family adventure of living overseas. Anna surveyed over a hundred people that included parents, but also third culture kids, on the good and the hard of living overseas as a family. The people surveyed were from a variety of backgrounds that included military families, expats, families working in non-profit work and those in ministry. Anna uses quotes from the survey throughout the book, but also references from other resources that speak on TCKs, living overseas, and family connection in general. This makes the book stand out from some of the other guidebooks that have been published.
The book is organized in three sections which makes it easy for the reader to directly read the chapters that apply for that moment in time. Anna took time to write a good chunk on preparing to leave which includes a chapter on fundraising and what to do that last week before leaving. The second section is titled “Going” and involves ideas for your family while traveling to the new location. The last section is about living in the new location and how to go from scary to thriving. Throughout the book, Anna offers practical ideas and tips from her own experience and from those who took time to fill out the survey.
One of my favorite quotes seems to be a theme throughout the book. Anna writes, “Having a successful family experience in a new country is not contingent upon having a positive experience. It is contingent upon family connection, despite how good or bad your experience is” (p19). If you are about to embark on this journey with children, then I do recommend this book. If you are already living overseas with your family and looking for new ways to connect with your family you might be interested in this book as well.
*I did receive an ARC of this book from the author to review, but the above book review is my honest opinion.
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