I wrote this article four years ago for Multicultural Kid Blogs. I have updated it. This newer post fits into the transition model, DOCK, that I created for the Stayers. This can be used by globally mobile families for their TCKs.

Transition is part of life. People move. Children come into the family. Special people and pets die. For those living overseas, this rhythm of transition brings an odd normalcy, which one could easily sway or tap their foot to. Just listen –

In and out,
come and go.
Up and down,
arrive depart.
Turn around
and 
Start again.

But, after a few years of this dance, kids’ emotions may stop swaying and tapping. Instead of dancing, you may find them on the dance floor just going through the motions. Or maybe they are standing against the wall, avoiding the dance, waiting for the song to finally end. They know new people will come and join the dance. But the question that lingers is: “But for how long?”

They know new people will come and join the dance.
But the question that lingers is: “But for how long?”

How do we help our kids not build a wall around their emotions?

This is a complex question that has no simple solution. Here are a few ideas that can help. It won’t take the pain of saying goodbye away, but it will help your child know that they are not alone in this transition.

1. Observe your own heart. Where are you? Are you on the dance floor going through the emotions, or are you engaged with the people around you? Or are you standing against the wall, hiding from all the new people jumping and twirling around?* Just like the oxygen masks in the airplane – first put your own mask on before assisting your child – first process and grieve this transition so that you can help and assist your child. Or at least take time to process on your own, so that while she is in the middle of it you can be there to support and comfort.
2. Talk about it. One of the best ways to release and process grief is to talk to someone about it. Find a friend or safe person to talk to. Then you can be ready to ask good open-ended questions and listen to your child. Ulrika Ernvik says in her book Third Culture Kids: A Gift to Care For, to offer your child a “bubble”. This means to make a comment like, “I’m sure having to say good-bye to your friend must be really hard.” Then wait and see how your child responds. Ulrika does say that you may need to wait a few days as the child may need time to process your statement.
3. Be there. This is a follow-up to #2. When they begin to talk about it, stop and listen. You do not need to say anything. We don’t need to “fix” the problem. We just need to validate that the emotions the child is feeling are okay. Affirm that they are normal. Ideas are rubbing your child’s head, holding them while they cry, or sitting and crying with them.
4. Make a memory. This could be as simple as planning one last fun outing with your child and their friend who is leaving. Or it could be helping your child make a card or photo book to give to their friend. Take photos. Be the parent that is annoying. They will thank you later when they can scroll back over all the photos.
5. Help them stay connected. What are ways that are appropriate for them to keep in touch with each other after the friend leaves? Help them understand that their relationship will change and shift but that they will always be friends. Understand that as this friendship does shift and change your child will also experience another wave of grief. Go back to #2 and #3.

*Please know that sometimes standing along the wall is okay. In fact, it is healthy. Our grieving hearts need a break to heal. Sometimes, two months is not long enough. Sometimes, it takes longer. So, stand at the wall and watch. Have some coffee or tea. Grab a scone to go with it. Grab a chair and sit next to another Stayer who is sitting out this round of dancing. The key is to remember that you are just taking a break. It’s temporary. Eventually, you will need to get back on the dance floor. Remember this for yourself, but also for your kids.

If you need more resources for transition, check out my business, Global Crossroads Consulting. I offer individual consultations, family transition talks, school transition talks, and debriefs.