Category Archives: Parenting

Make Sure To Say Good-bye

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It’s the end of the school year, which means traveling with family, moving to a new place, or hanging out at home. Most parents and teachers of third culture kids know that they need to make sure there are opportunities for students to say good-byes properly. They have “Good-bye Parties” for their children; they take photos of their favorite places, and/or they have dinners with special people before they leave.

Alloway Kirk and Burial Place of Burns's Family

Photo by The Commons at flickr.com

Saying “Good-bye” well is something we should have our children do at the end of every school year or long vacation no matter if we are leaving or not.

Just last week I put in a music DVD for Jie Jie that we’ve had for over ten years now (Have DVDs truly been around that long now?). She requests it once in awhile, and on this particular morning I sat and watched her dance along with it. A song came on, this song in particular, and my heart wrenched.

I was flooded with memories from 10 years ago.

It was the last week of our time in Shenyang, China. Due to SARS, the school had ended a week earlier. My husband was the principal at the time, so we were making our last rounds of dinners and lunches with various people. This day we happened to be eating fish head soup with a Korean family when my husband got the phone call. An elementary student had gotten pinned down by a large iron gate just outside his home. He was dead.

In a haze of confusion and pain, a memorial service was arranged. The students who were still around all showed up, along with teachers and friends of the parents. “With All of My Heart” by Jana Alayra was one of the songs that was played that day. It had been one of his favorites.

Many of his classmates were not there that day. They had already traveled back to their passport country. *

We can’t know for sure that when school resumes in the fall, that your child’s classmates will all be there. So, if you have the chance help your young children say “Good-bye” well this year. Maybe it it’s just a handshake and the words spoken or maybe you go all out and have an end of the year party where the kids say something nice about each other. Either way, from this experience, I learned the importance of saying “Good-bye” every time.

*The school had another Memorial Service in fall for all the students, along with counselors to help them deal with such a huge loss.

Your Turn: What do you do to help your child/student say “Good-bye” at the end of the school year? Please comment below.

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Combating Alone-ness in Expat-land

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A few weeks ago I wrote a response to an article I read about raising kids with special needs and the reasons I think that they run true for an expat. One of the reasons was “Loneliness” due to mobility of expats and the fact that we live so far from family. This week I want to look at “alone-ness” which is different than being lonely.

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From the Merriam-Webster online dictionary, “alone” means to be separated from others. As a parent of a child with special needs, I do feel at times “separated from others.” The needs of Jie Jie are not like the needs of most expat families.

Jie Jie was tube fed her first six years of life. When visiting family in the US, we’d have checkups with the doctor and I’d stock up on feeding supplies that we needed to get us through a year or two. One spring, we had enough feeding tubes to make it back to the US – or so we thought. At church one Sunday morning, her feeding tube came out. Normally, this is not a huge deal because I always had one on hand for emergencies. The problem this Sunday was that the “emergency” tube was the one that broke. We had no more. We were able to creatively keep the tube inserted and feed her until we could see a doctor. Alone-ness surrounded me – although every single expat wanted to help, none could.

I was separated out from the others.

We contacted the company that made it and they located the exact feeding tube we needed in the same city that we lived in. The doctors there had just started using that type of feeding tube, so they were quite a bit more expensive – but we could get it the next day.

So, how do I combat this feeling?

1. Make friends with the locals and search out other expat families. There is a language barrier sometimes, but I have found a few who even have the same syndrome as Jie Jie. I am able to ask what is available for treatments, where to buy things, and even what they do for various situations. If you hear of another family, contact them and find out what they know and do with their child. I just recently discovered online speech therapy this way.

2. Online communities. Since Facebook, groups have formed for all kinds of things. I have found one that is a community of families that have children with the same syndrome as Jie Jie. It is here that I can post questions about development or other questions I feel I can’t ask. I also gain encouragement from the others that post about their children

3. Pray. Yep, I pray and ask God to give me wisdom in each situation. I go back and remind myself of his promises, his faithfulness, and his goodness. I remind myself that really, I am not alone because just as Moses promised Joshua, in Deuteronomy 31:6, “[God] will never leave you or forsake you,” I know that as a follower of him, he will never leave me or forsake me either.

So, though at times I have felt very alone and even hopeless – I’m not. There are people around me. I have a great husband who is a great team player, but we do have to be active in protecting our marriage. I’ll be writing a post on this huge topic soon.

Remember that you can like RaisingTCKs Facebook page or subscribe to get an email with the most recent posts. Both are located at right of this page.

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An Expat Special Needs TCK Parent

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I recently re-read “6 Secrets Special Needs Moms Know But WON’T Tell You.” If you IMG_3649haven’t read it, go over and at least scan the list. It’s good and fairly accurate. I say that because I feel the same and I’ve heard the cheers from other moms out there. Like this mom, who was also inspired from this same article to write “Special Needs Parents“.

As an expat though, I think at times some of these truths could ring louder…and here is why.

1. Expats are mobile. We move, or our friends move. Like it or not, it is the nature of “expatland.” If we are the one moving, then it is finding new doctors, therapists, schools that have special education, housing that is safe for the child with special needs, and making new friends ~ and I’m not even getting into the emotional side of transition. If it is our friends that move, then new friends join the circle. Always changing…

2. Loneliness: Mobility can add to loneliness. The friend who understands your child, who forgives you for having to cancel the fifth coffee date that month because of something related to your child, the friend who always makes you laugh is no longer there. The time and energy it takes to invest in making new friends is exhausting ~ making one feel like it isn’t worth it at all. To add to this lonely feeling, going out in public and feeling the stares, the odd looks, or hearing the whispers is tough. This is normal in any country, but if you live in a country where the parents of children with special needs are believed to have “bad blood”, then one may not even want to go out.

2. Alone-ness. Not too many parents of children with special needs live overseas, so feeling “I’m all alone” haunts the mind of the parent. The internet forums for specific needs are a great resource for parents, but having someone in person who can relate to those struggles of living overseas is better.

3. Marriage. YES, this is so important and sometimes seems difficult. The divorce rate is very high for families of children with special needs. Couples have to work at their marriage to make it last. Most go on date nights every week, take weekends away without the kids, or even let the kids stay with grandparents for the week to have a second, third, or fourth honeymoon. As an expat, it can be difficult to find people to watch your children, especially if your child has special needs. People are not always comfortable and parents may have issues with finding people they fully trust – see #1 & 2 above.

So, why do we do it – live in “expatland?”

I can’t say for the other parents of children with special needs, but for our family I can say that we live here because it makes the most sense. It is not because we are against living in the US or in Germany or because we are hard-set on being expats. Nine years ago when Jie Jie was diagnosed, we were ready to figure out how to live in the US if we needed to. With no hesitation every doctor and therapists told us to return. So, we’ve taken it one year at a time.

We look at our whole family, not just Jie Jie’s needs. We look at our other children and their needs. We also look at what God is wanting us to do. Two years ago my husband quit his job as principal at the “American Christian” school to focus more on the nonprofit organization that he helped start called Taiwan Sunshine, which supports families of children with special needs. So, for now, this “crazy” expat life makes sense.

Next week I’ll share a few ideas to help fight those expat “heartaches” of being a mom to a child with special needs child.

Your Turn: What do you find difficult as a mom/dad to a child with special needs while living overseas? Even if you don’t have a child with special needs, what do you find difficult? Really I do want to “hear” what you say. Go ahead and comment below.

Also, remember that if you want to get the latest post, subscribe and you they will be automatically emailed to you. Thanks to all who have subscribed and shared my posts.

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Awareness Week for Cri-du-What? Syndrome

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Cri-du-Chat is French for “Cat’s Cry”. It is the name given to the syndrome that Jie Jie has. The syndrome was discovered 50 years ago by the French geneticist, Jerome Lejeune. This syndrome is also known as 5p- Syndrome or Lejeune Syndrome.

So much has changed in 50 years. One of the major breakthroughs has been not institutionalizing the children. For the past twenty years, or so, children with CdCS have been able to remain at home with their families – with the discovery that they actually develop so much more through the interaction and intentional therapy play starting at a young age.

The big breakthrough for me, as an expat, was the internet and communicating with other families that have a child with CdCS. I have been so grateful that I’ve been able to receive the services that I’ve needed to help our daughter develop and grow here in Taipei, but the lack of communicating with other parents has been difficult. Now, I’m able to check on the Facebook page or the website to get the latest information or to get a question answered. I don’t feel as if I’m wading through an unknown land without a map or compass. I know have fellow travelers who have gone ahead and left markers to help me navigate this new territory of parenting.

This week, May 5th-11th is the 2nd annual International CdCS Awareness Week. It is a time for the families to be a voice for their child who can’t speak up. It’s a time for us to encourage each other, to be excited that we are not alone, to cheer our children on as they develop more than we ever expected or imagined. If you’d like learn more, here is a short video that gives you a glimpse of what these kids can do.  I CAN

If you are living in Taipei or thinking about moving here with a special needs child, I wrote an article that just came out in Centered on Taipei‘s May issue titled “Living in Taipei with a Special Needs Child”.

Living overseas with a special needs child is not always easy, but neither is living overseas with children. Period.
Your Turn: Whether your child has special needs or not, what has been the most difficult thing about living overseas for you? Please share in the comments below.
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Meeting a Famous TCK

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Before the flu hit our family like a vicious creature from the black depths of the sea, I had the opportunity to listen to a John Newbery Award author speak at one of the International Schools here in Taipei. Linda Sue Park to be exact.

She’s a TCK, really!

I’m not sure she’d call herself a Third Culture Kid, but I do. Her parents are US immigrants from South Korea. Most of her books are tied back to South Korea in someway, which I love. Her curiosity of her parent’s life before America lead to questions, which lead to story ideas.

She was inspiring…

I’m not Korean, but I was inspired to share my stories and to find out the stories of my family to share with my own children. My kids should know about their great-grandparents and how they survived the dust bowl of the 30′s, how their grandparents survived WWII in Germany/Prussia, and how their parents grew up on opposite sides of the world yet still met and married.

How do you share family stories when you live on different continents?

Stories are usually shared around the table at family gatherings. I grew up in a family that met every Sunday after church at my grandparents’ home for lunch. This is where I heard many of the family stories, but my kids do not have that same opportunity. We live on a different continent and see them every few years.

What to do, what to do…

Be proactive. Keep a journal with the questions you want to ask. Get your kids involved if they are old enough and ask them what they want to know. Buy a book that already has the questions written down. Then spend time with those loved ones and find out the answers. You could even video the question/answer time so your children can watch it later. Your kids may not be that interested in it right now, but someday they will be – and when that day comes wouldn’t it be more fun to have a video or book to look at together than to just stare at them open mouthed and say, “I don’t know.”

My in-laws are visiting in a few months – I need to get that journal bought and ready.

Your Turn: Have you thought about your family stories and how you are going to pass them down to your kids? How have you managed it? I’d love to hear your thoughts and responses below.

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Field-Trip Madness

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We’ve been sick around here for the last few weeks, but I think we are now coming out of it. Finally.

A few months ago, I was thrilled to be asked by Carole at The Expat Child to write an article for her site. If you’ve not heard of this site, you need go and check it out. She has a wealth of information for parents relocating with their child(ren).

I had just survived a couple of field-trips with Jie Jie when I wrote this article. I shared some tips that I learned from the good, the bad, and the could have been ugly.  Here is a clip from that article.

Though staying home would have been easier, new experiences are good for her development – no matter how hard they may be for me. So, I took a deep breath, said a prayer and entered the pottery shop.

If you want to read the rest of the article you can click on the link: “Surviving Field-Trips with Special Needs Children”

Here’s some of my favorites from The Expat Child:

Jet-Lag and Children

Where is Home?

Step Out of Your Comfort Zone

Debunking the Excuse Rail – Part 2

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For the first part of this series click here to read.IMG_2608

Living overseas can be adventurous and exciting. It can also be lonely and hard – even if you have a family. I’ve had my seasons of it all – or at least I think I should have by now, but I’m sure as seasons come and go they will each return at various times in my life.

One season that seems to return quite frequently is the Season of Feout (pronounced fe-out, combo of fear and doubt). This one pops up when I mention things or people from the US and my kids look at me with a blank stare. It also pops up in the fall when many Facebook friends start posting pics of their children at the pumpkin farms, hayrides they’ve taken, or tree leaves in their brilliant autumn colors. These I mentally add to my “list” of all the things I’m failing at with my kids because I have them here and not there. Here where there are no pumpkin patches, where the leaves don’t change colors, and hayrides? HA, we live in a mega-city. Here where they can’t get to know their grandparents, nor their cousins. Here where they constantly have to say good-bye to great friends who move. Here where “here” may be a new location in a year.

Do you relate to these “feout” questions I have sometimes? My mind can really get out of control with all the emotions swirling around.

I sometimes struggle – not always, just sometimes. It is during those times though that I want to “make-it-up” to my kids. I want to make up for all the losses they have because of the decision I made years ago – way before Uwe came into the picture – to live overseas. When we go to the US (or Germany) I want to take them to all the “fun” places – so they don’t miss out. I want to take them to baseball games, to amusement parks, to zoos, to farms/ranches, to fairs – whatever I can find. I sometimes want to make sure they “experience” the culture, not just hear about it through stories of my past.

Maybe you’ve not had these feelings above, but maybe you felt your children “deserved” something for all the loss in their lives. You know that the transitions are difficult, so you buy all the kids a smartphone so that they can “keep in touch” with their friends better. Or you think everyone deserves an iPad mini because let’s face it, it sure would make travel easier on the plane if everyone had their own. Or maybe you feel just the opposite. You feel as if you can’t give your children anything too nice because you work for a relief organization or are a missionary – and it just wouldn’t look good to those who support your work.

Either way, it’s all an excuse.

An excuse to do, buy, or not to buy for our kids (and let’s face for ourselves, too). Fact is that transitions are hard. Fact is my kids are going to miss out on some of my cultural activities. Fact is our kids are going to be fine. Yes, they will be fine if I take them to every fun thing I can find, or if we just play in the grandparents’ backyards. They will be fine if I buy them all an iPad mini or (more likely) not buy any. Point is, they will be fine. I shouldn’t, and neither should you, fall into that trap that we should “make-it-up” to our kids for living overseas. If you want to buy them an iWhatever, then do it. If you don’t have the money, don’t feel guilty. If you want to “experience” a cultural event like a baseball game with your child, then go. I really believe that our kids will remember the time we spent with them more than the actual event or gadget we buy them.

How do I know that our kids are going to be fine? I’m married to a TCK, have TCKs for friends, and have watched countless TCKs grow up. They all survived the experience – and most would say they are glad they grew up the way they did. That’s how I know my kids are going to be fine. This is how I get through those Seasons of Feout – I remind myself of other TCKs that were taken on this path. I don’t have to go far to be reminded – I just have look across the dinner table.

Your Turn: Have you ever had a “Season of Feout”? If so, how did you get through it? Please share in the comments below.

*Note: As far as I know “Feout” is my made up word from “fear” and “doubt”, but if it should be a word in another language please forgive me.

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Debunking the Excuse Rail – Part 1

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Photo via microsoft.com

Has this ever happened to you?

It’s the last expat women’s gathering before you move to the next destination. You are physically tired and weary of saying good-bye. You know that in reality, you won’t see most of the ladies again and that in probably a couple of years you won’t remember their names. Saying good-bye stinks, so you decide to skip it and not attend. You can text that you have some last minute things that need to be done before you leave, which is the truth.

Or maybe this?

“I know that we just moved here and I should learn the language, but I don’t think it is possible. I’m too old to learn a new language. My brain just can’t handle all the vocabulary words and grammar. I can just use my phone app for translation.”

Excuses. We all have them. Sometimes they are legit reasons, and sometimes they just make us feel better. I’d have to say though that most of us live with the latter. We don’t want to feel like we’ve done something wrong/bad. I know I don’t like this feeling, but does having an excuse make it any better? Or is the excuse more like applying concealer in hopes that people will not see those blemishes in my life?

I’ve been challenged with these thoughts after reading the book Lies that Women Believe by Nancy Leigh DeMoss. The book is not about expat living, but I applied some of the “challenges” to areas in my life that deal with living overseas and raising TCKs. The one chapter that spoke the greatest to me was chapter eight on emotions. To summarize, Mrs. DeMoss writes that much research and discovery has been made regarding women during their times of physical changes. She challenges women that though our hormones are the reason for feeling out of control, quick tempered, etc that we shouldn’t let them be the excuse for being mean and nasty to the people around us.

This got me to thinking about expat living and raising TCKs. Research has been done on TCKs, on the stress of moving, and honestly on all areas in life. How many times have I let the reason of research become my excuse for my behavior?

I’m breaking this post down into three parts to make it shorter and digestible, meaning hopefully you’ll be able to read it in one sitting and be able to ponder about it yourself. So, look for Part 1 and 2 next week. They are just a couple of things I’ve thought of. Be ready to share because I really do like hearing your thoughts.

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“Rise of the Guardians” and my TCK

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

My son just watched “Rise of the Guardians” a few nights ago with some friends. He came home and told my husband that it was a funny movie, but he had one question.

Who is the Sandman?

This could seem like a funny question, maybe even a dumb question to many parents. I mean, in today’s age kids have the opportunity to watch cable TV, Movie on Demand, Netflix, etc. One would think that they would be up-to-date on all the stories and fairy tales from their “home” country, right?

This is not always the case – and we need to remember that as parents. We can’t assume that they know everything about our home country. And with that assumption, we can’t assume that our kids will figure it out or transition well if/when they move there.

How can we help them?

I think the best way is to inform them that although they may look like everyone else, they will be different. Actually, they probably have already figured that out if they are in elementary school and have made the return trip to visit family. Although they may know this, do they know how to cope with it? Can we teach them how? Can we encourage them?

I think we can.

1. Clueless does not equal stupid. I believe this is an idea that many TCKs may battle with as they enter the “home” country and not know what everyone else round them seems to know. It could be TV shows, it could be an expression/idiom, or even a name of a candy. They will feel stupid, but they need to remember that they are not. We can help them by reminding them that they are going to experience it and that this situation is normal. They are definitely not stupid.

2. Laugh – Laughing brings healing and can soothe the heart. Learning to laugh at ourselves is not always easy, but it can be done. Kids need to see that everyone messes up and are not perfect. Maybe you can share with them a time you messed up culturally when you were home – because let’s get real, even we forget what “home” is like. Just this summer, I had trouble counting money in my home country – It’s moments like this that I want to use as a model for “marking it up” as a living-overseas moment for me. For them, a TCK moment. Nothing more.

3. Bridge-people – You may have heard this term when you first moved overseas – you know the person that can help you understand the new culture better, be the bridge for you. I think this is needed for older children who transition into their parent’s home country. They need someone around their age who can help them navigate the teenage/university cultural differences. Someone who has been there and can relate to them, possibly another TCK or mentor who understands the issues of TCKs.

Whoever thought that the one to bring sleep and good dreams would turn out to be the one that stumped a TCK. Thanks Sandman for helping me remember that though my kids live in a world of technology, they still will not get all of my home country’s culture.

Your Turn: What have you seen from your children in regards to “missing out” on the home culture and helping your children cope with this transition issue. Please share in the comments below.

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Vacations and Special Needs – it can happen!

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Vacationing with children is SO different then the days before children. Before children Uwe and I would just pick a destination and plan around job schedules. Packing could be done the night before. Living abroad, travel was almost as easy as breathing.

Then child number one came and travel changed just a bit. Packing was focused more on what he needed and therefore took more planning. We still hiked up mountains and other non-child friendly activities. Our thoughts when choosing a destination was – If we can carry him in the backpack carrier, then we’ll do it. Once child number two came along traveling wasn’t nearly as easy as breathing. Then Jie Jie was diagnosed…and what seemed easy required much energy and planning. She required so much – feeding tubes, food to feed her, stroller, diapers, extra clothes, etc.

By the time child number three came along, we weren’t sure about traveling at all.

Those early years, when we had three under four-years of age, I learned something – keep my expectations low. Kids get sick on vacations. Kids get tired and grumpy on vacations. Kids might not like the vacation places you chose. And a whole lot of other things can go wrong, like the weather, the food, the room…you get the picture.

No as our kids are older, we involve them more with the vacation planning. We ask them their opinion. We look up the place on the internet or on Google Maps and let them see where we are going. We ask them what they would like to do while we are there.This has helped with Ge Ge and Mei Mei, but Jie Jie is different. With her we need a different approach.

We still involve her in the planning.

We show her the pictures of the parks, the playgrounds, the beaches, and any animals we might see. We tell her how we are going, whether it is by train, plane, boat, and or car. This gives her an idea of what we will be doing and gets her involved as well.

Flexibility

This is probably true for raising kids while living abroad, but for vacationing with special needs kids it’s very important. They don’t always respond the way you think they might and they may do better than what you thought. For instance, Jie Jie loves the beach and the sand. She likes fish and turtles, so I thought she might like snorkeling – well, a modified version of snorkeling. Geared up in her blue life-vest and mask, we walked her across the shallow reef to the edge. The plan was to let her look into the water, but after one short glance she was done. I’m not sure if it was the water that seeped into her mask, a darting bright blue fish, or just all the new experiences at once that caused her to freak out, but she was done. We didn’t force her to look anymore. We told her she did a great job and walked her back. She was perfectly content playing in the shallow water. Having flexibility allowed us to change plans – like I stayed with her on the beach while Uwe took the other two out snorkeling.

Try new things, but still keeping expectations low.

We do this not because we are negative thinking people, but because we try to be realistic.  For instance, we just took a vacation to Xiao Liu Qiu, a small island off of Taiwan. This island is very small and doesn’t have many cars. Our original plan was to bike with the kids, but once we got there and saw the hills we knew that biking wasn’t going to work. We decided to try the scooters for a day and see how it went, not thinking Jie Jie would sit still and behave. She surprised us. She did just fine. We scootered around the whole time we were there.

Slow it down.

Don’t expect to do everything. As a family choose a few things and do those. Allow for breaks and even rest times in the room. We allow the kids to each choose one activity they would really like to do or see – then we do those things first. Sometimes Jie Jie can’t participate in the chosen activity – that’s when either I or Uwe take her to do something else.

Not every child is the same. This goes for special needs children as well. Just because your child may have some issues that are harder to deal with doesn’t mean that you can’t have a fun family vacation. With a bit of creativity and flexibility, you can even take more exotic trips with your whole family.

Your Turn: Have you traveled with your special needs child? What are some vacationing tips that you have when you go? Please share in the comments below.

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